The Soldier Next Door

Two feelings come to mind as I see the Doctor gently lay his hand on my mom’s shoulder. Strangely the very first to come to mind I love. There has been nothing but love towards my dad for these days with the only effort in bringing him back.

Yet, then there is the place that is created for a great monster that can take a hold of your heart and twist it in directions that the mind will be tormented at. This, my dear friend, is none other than fear.

A good man once said, expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, the fear shrinks, and vanishes and you are free.

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create.

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.

We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.

Love is scary. Giving your heart to someone, hoping they won’t drop it. Letting someone in, hoping they won’t rob you of all you hold dear. Trusting someone that they won’t leave.

It’s scary as fuck. And you are right to be scared. I’m scared, too.

But love is also the most beautiful thing there is. It’s emotion, power. It’s healing and pain. It’s both pleasure and suffering at the same time, but damn, it’s beautiful.

We wouldn’t be going back to it if it wasn’t. We wouldn’t have hope to love again someday if we didn’t love the love itself. But, what happens when the painful past is stronger than our hope? What happens when we’re too afraid to face the love?

You’ll find that someone who will turn your world upside down. You’ll find that someone who will make you realize that you’ve never been more afraid of love than when you’re with him.

But damn, it’s worth it. It’s worth believing he will stay; it’s worth believing he won’t hurt you. Because, deep down, you know he will stay no matter what.

You know he’s afraid as much as you are—maybe even more. But you both faced your fears and decided to stay.

Yes. Love is scary. Yes, I’m scared too. But it’s okay. It’s okay to shut some people out. It’s okay to take your time to get better, to take your time to let certain people in.

It’s okay to build walls because sometimes they’re the only thing that’s protecting our hearts. It’s okay to run away if you’re not ready.

Don’t push yourself to do things you’re not comfortable with. Don’t force yourself to love someone if you’re not ready. Don’t bring yourself down if everyone around you pressures you into giving in to love.

You’re not a machine. You can’t get better if you switch it off and on again. You need time; you need space. Even if it takes you years to get there, it’s okay.

But trust me, one day, when you look back, you will see how far you’ve come. You will see how brave you’ve become; how badass you were this whole time.

And you’ll see that love is still scary, no matter how much better you get. No matter how strong you are, it’s still damn scary.

But you’re one hell of a person, and there’s nothing stopping you from conquering that fear.Content protected by Nôv/el(D)rama.Org.

Often you find that the people who are most afraid of love, are the ones who have experienced it at a level deeper than most. So whether you have seen love or not, the one thing those two people have most in common is fear.

Fear is one of the strongest emotions that dictate what a person will or will not do; fear controls us if we let it. But I have found the things that scare you most often are the best for you.

I understand how people can fear love; the idea of opening up to someone and being vulnerable to pain is a part of the risk that comes with loving. But when you find the right love, you’ll realize the risk is worth it.

If you open yourself up to love, any voids in your past can be filled because of the love someone gives you. While fear is the strongest emotion that controls us, love is the most powerful emotion. There is a reason, every movie has a storyline with love, or every classic song is about love.

Love is the only emotion that makes you the best version of yourself, and when you find that person whom you would be perfect with, you have to not be afraid of being with them.

It’s natural to ruin a relationship before it starts, it’s normal to stare at someone you know would be perfect for you, yet you refrain from pursuing them because you allow fear to dictate your actions.

Maybe you don’t think you are worthy of love, maybe you don’t think you can engage in a relationship without hurting someone, because, in your past, you have let people close only to run away if they tried to get too close.

Maybe you think the only thing you are capable of is hurting those same people who love you.

Maybe that same person knows all this about you, maybe they know about your past and know how you feel about the subject, yet the fact they still love you regardless of the risk that comes in loving you. These are the type of people you have to be with.

Cause if you can find someone who loves you at your worst, imagine the influence you would have on each other at your best.

Love is scary. Getting hurt is scarier. But I think we all walk around a little broken from pasts that weren’t within our control. We think walking alone on this journey and not hurting someone will protect ourselves and protect others, but the truth is we aren’t supposed to be alone in the world.

We are all destined to meet someone. Once we do, not only will we not want to live without them – we won’t be able to.

They are our soul mates, our person, the one individual on this planet who will accept us for all we are. They love us for the things we aren’t, and they take that plunge that love requires.

Don’t ever be afraid of falling in love – be afraid of not allowing yourself to experience all the wonderful things love entails.

Well, I have known nothing but fear for these past days; in fact, fear, we have known each other for a very long time. My whole life, to be precise. We’ve been together through everything, the good times and, yup, definitely the bad. Looking back, I wonder why you were there when I’ve been happy, why you questioned my happiness, but I guess you just didn’t want to feel left out of the party. You just wanted to keep reminding me you’re there, like a security blanket, promising to never leave my side.

We’ve been through so much together, and I know you’ll always be around. You’re in my life, and always will be, for a reason, so let’s try and figure out why and how we can be of use to each other.

First of all, fear, let’s be clear about who you are to me. You are the voices in my head that often caution me or tell me reasons not to do something. You are that feeling in my gut that warns me to stay away from a place, person, or a situation. You and Instinct work together on that.

You are also that feeling that sits just near my heart, beneath my breastbone, that makes me think twice before I do anything that could potentially make me feel vulnerable. You are there. Hovering. I feel you, and I can hear you telling me not to do it because I may get laughed at. You’re telling me this isn’t a great idea. You really are quite persistent.

You are loudest at night. When I’m lying in bed, and I’m thinking about my plans, my family, my choices, my dreams. You pop up and decide now is the time for us to have a debate about it all. Actually, where you’re concerned, it never really is a debate. Not at night anyway. At night, you decide that’s the best time to hit me with your worst-case scenarios.

You do this because you know it’s at night when I’m at my weakest, most vulnerable and susceptible to you. You are strong. I’ll give you that. You do have power, and you know the exact moment when you can really pack that punch.

So what is your purpose? I can accept that you are there to protect me. You are that gatekeeper to the dangers to my physical being that you can potentially foresee, and I am grateful to you for that. I am grateful for your protection. Fear, that purpose of yours is great. Really. When you show up then, the fear I feel manifests in all my senses heightened. I am on guard. My muscles are tense, and I am ready to pounce on anyone who threatens my family or me. That is when you, fear, are being strong for me.

Let me tell you what I have learned so far; when I don’t listen to you when you’re like this is that I feel exhilarated for taking a chance. I am energized for going where I haven’t gone before. That moment just before I take the leap into my potential is where you’re there with your red stop sign trying to get me to stay on my very own well-trodden path. You’re comfortable there because that’s where you have control; it’s where you know the lay of my emotional land.

Those voices of yours are drowned out by the loud thumps of my beating heart, the thumps that are my own cheerleading squad telling me to just try. Just. Try. Just Try. And I know myself now just as I am knowing more about you, is that what I don’t want to feel, more than you in my head and my heart, is regret. Fear, you come and go. But regret, well, regret stays forever. And regret is the most unwelcome guest because, in most cases, I can prevent regret from coming into my home.

But none of these, not fear or regret, will have the upper hand today, for as we are all waiting in anticipation for the Doctor to speak, from behind where I have been standing, there is only but one word that echoes through the room, “Ethan.”