The Soldier Next Door

Over the past few weeks, I have learned a lot about myself. I thought that being a Marine means that you are the strongest man that there can be. Yet, learning about hope and faith, having the will to see that there is always going to be a tomorrow, is a far greater strength than what a man in uniform can bring.

This has by far been the greatest learning experience for me, and even though we might have come through it this far, it does not mean that the battle is not over. I think that only now the true healing will begin. And that I can with almost all certainty say as I am now staring my father in eyes that are very much wide open.

And as I am the first to nearly leap in his arms, the flood of emotions, the fear of losing him comes flooding like a raging river from eyes that have grown far puffier than they should be.

With only but a gentle squeeze of his hand instead, I softly whisper to him, “It is good you finally joining us. I was really starting to get tired of these three faces.”

Well, I don’t know who is glaring most, but I know that the one that will slap the hardest is standing with a hand on her belly with the greatest smile that I have seen for days now.

Then just as I say that, I immediately watch as he starts to search for her; his eyes are scanning the room to utmost frustration, and just as he is about to give in to tears, my mom steps from behind Gibbs.

Now there is nothing better than seeing the joy of two people, given they are yet so old, to still show that love that we all carry in our hearts. Yes, it is kind of true that even though they are scary at the best of times, but parents are real people too.

So very much satisfied, not saying anything else to my mom about what he was so afraid about, he steps closer and looks at my dad, “How are you feeling, Mr. Hunter?”

“Tired.”

Well, Matty just has to say it, “You have been sleeping for three weeks.”

My dad only but has shock written on his face, and as he stares at me with disbelief in his eyes, I only but nod my head. And with that Ana, comes to pull me by the hand, “Come, soldier, come, let’s go get coffee, let your mom and dad be alone for a little while.”

So we all find our way down the corridor of a path that we have walked far too many times for these past three weeks. I can, by all honesty say, that the only time I want to see a hospital again is when my baby boy, well, I am saying it is one, but that will be the next and very last time I will set my foot in this godforsaken place.

Ana watching me lost in my thought again, pulls me closer to her side, “It is all fine now, soldier.”

“I know, boo. It was just so close. Way too close, I in a way understand what you go through when I am deployed.”

“So, does that mean that you won’t go anymore?”

I only but chuckle at her, “Nice try, but you know that nothing, except you, will stop me from doing what it is that I love to do.”

As she places a soft kiss on my lips, she softly speaks underneath her breath, “I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I have been there before, and I know how much it sucks.”

“Boo, if it was not for you, then I do not think I would have had the strength to see it past the first week.”

“You know you would have; those are only the negative voices in your head talking; they are only telling you lies. I think that you have learned a lot about yourself.”

She is right. I know that I might have gotten frustrated so many times; I felt weak and down, but I learned how to find the strength inside of me that I thought I did not have. I reminded myself of my strengths and to stop beating myself up over my weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses. Your weaknesses aren’t worse; they are just different.

I am a Marine, I have those strengths inside, but I guess that life, real life, just knocks you over and takes you on a completely different ride.

Does this now mean that I will be really giving up on a dream?

This was only a detour; it was a learning curve, put in my way to teach me those lessons that I need to learn in life.

I know I have a hard time sharing my struggles with others. I am used to carrying everyone else’s burdens and doing everything I can to help them but rarely receive the same in return. I care so much about others, and I would never want to be a burden to anyone, so I keep my hurts to myself and suffer in silence. I pretend to be fine, so I can continue helping and uplifting others. I am scarily good at being fake happy; no one sees anything but what I want them to see. But this isolates me. This makes me feel so lonely. And I don’t have to go through this alone. This is what this has taught me, to let go and lean on someone else even if it is only for but a short time.

But what I also need to remember is, I know that there are people who care about me. So why do I worry so much about being a burden to them? I know I have friends who are so ready to help me. Friends who have been blessed by what I have done for them and would be happy to repay the kindness by being there for me. So why do I fear being a burden? Perhaps I know that some would do anything for me, like Gibbs, but I know they have their own stuff they’re going through, and I can’t help but silently sacrifice myself for them. But I don’t have to. I have done enough. I have done so much to help others. So why won’t I let anyone help me? As I said, I’m sure there are so many who would not only help me but be so happy to show me the kindness that I have shown them. Let them love me. They want to love me. Because they do love me!

I’ve been thinking a lot about life journeys lately. Looking back at mine and seeing how far I’ve come, remembering how difficult things were at times and how persistent I remained throughout. I’ve also been thinking about how each of us is on our own journey, weathering challenges and heartbreaks and celebrating accomplishments, each of us making our way, step by step, to follow our hearts. Everyone’s journey is unique. Where we’re headed. Our goals. Our detours. Life is this beautiful, magical, scary thing. Unpredictable, uncontrollable, but there are always recurring truths. Our own truths. Leading us onward.

As each of us makes our way on our journey, we often have no idea where our paths will lead. Sometimes there’s a specific, clear goal, but the road is never straight. I know mine certainly hasn’t been. Looking back at the person that I was — hopeful, naive, nervous, with no plan or road map or even idea of where, exactly, I wanted to go — I feel so much affection.

Things didn’t work out quite as we’d expected. And I know that in my out-of-focus dreams back then never imagined I’d be where I am today.

I could boil it down into one simple sentence:

I think that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned over the years. Keep going. Through the darkness. Through the learning. Through challenges and ease. Keep going.Text content © NôvelDrama.Org.

Don’t give up.

There’s more that I learned, and looking back, I see that although I felt uncertain and lost at times, I traveled my path with a strong faith in its rightness

These next years will be difficult for me. I will stumble. I will fall. There will be heartbreak and failure. I will pick myself back up and start again. I love that about myself. I am brave. I am strong (stronger than I could have imagined). More love will follow heartbreak. Success will follow failure. There is always beauty and joy if you look for them.

I know my dreams right now are a bit vague, especially with the baby on the way. They will get clearer. I will know which fork to take in the road when the path divides. Things will be slow going at times. It takes time to hone my skills. Be patient. I am starting at the beginning. I should not compare my tentative first steps with other people’s confident, experienced strides.

No matter how hard things become, I will keep the faith in myself. I have beauty and joy in my soul, always.

“Never doubt your own true heart.” With those words in mind, I will never falter. I will surmount the challenges. I will develop and grow. I am a Marine through and through. Never forget that. And never give up. I am capable of wonderful things.

I know we never like to skip ahead in a story to see what will happen down the road. Let me just say this: we are capable of so much. Listen to the whispers of your soul and keep on going.

And it is with this in mind that I slip away from Ana’s side to go take a walk next to Gibbs, and I need not even have to say a word; he only but gives me a firm pat on the back, then after a few moments in uncomfortable silence, he speaks, “You are a good friend. Fuck, you are an amazing human being. And I can tell you that I love you. I am so glad the old man is back.”

With that, Matty comes to join me on the other side, but not before he gives me one slap against the head, “You know what, bro. You are fucking awesome, and the world is a better place because you are in it. But can you two stop being so damn morbid? I need some coffee in this body.”

So, I go sit next to Ana by the table after I have ordered, then she gives me that look, and my goddamn heart stop, “What is wrong now?”