THE SOLDIER

“Good girl.”

“Thank you, Master.”

I hang up and throw my phone at the wall. It bounces off and lands on the floor with another few bounces. I ignore it and pace around the room, stabbing my fingers through my hair.

Dammit.

I am bad for Kayla.

No wonder her roommates think there’s something wrong with our relationship. If our time together leaves her crying and depressed afterward, it can’t be right. I am no better than my father. Yes, our play may be consensual, but I’m a monster, just the same. I like to hurt the woman I love. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I pick up my phone and grab my coat. Without talking to Ravil, without telling anyone I’m leaving, I walk out.

My little slave needs me, and that’s all that matters.

Kayla

I MAKE a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for myself and pour a glass of milk. Total comfort food. I sit at the table and force myself to take a bite of the sandwich then swallow the sticky bite down with a gulp of milk.

“Are you sick?” Ashley asks, coming into the kitchen.

“No.” I instantly start crying again.

“Oh shit,” she says, abandoning her foray into the refrigerator to fly over to the table and sit beside me. “What’s wrong? Did you and Pavel break up?”

I shake my head. “No. I just miss him.”

She studies me. “This long-distance thing is tearing you apart, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I think it’s just sub-drop, though.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, during an intense BDSM scene, all these endorphins and feel-good chemicals dump, and you get the high from it. But sometimes it causes a big drop afterward. It takes a while for your body to reboot and balance things. Pavel’s usually there to hold me and feed me a little chocolate or a meal and cuddle me until I feel better. But sometimes it hits after he’s gone, and I’m just… depressed.”

“Oh, baby. This isn’t good, Kayla. Don’t you have your first meeting at the studio tonight?”

“I know,” I moan. “That’s why I’m trying to get it together.”

“You will,” she promises, even though I see sympathy and concern bleeding through her expression. “I’m sure you will. But… you can’t let this relationship affect your career. It’s already taken over your life-I mean we never even see you here any more. When you are here, you’re holed up in your room having phone sex with him. And this whole concept of giving over all your control to him-I just don’t get it.”

I stand from the table, my sandwich uneaten. Ashley might not be making me feel better, but she is pissing me off, which is better than being depressed. “I know you don’t get it. None of you do, and it’s making everything harder for me!” I exclaim. Yes, I may be wallowing in a bit of self-pity at the moment.

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. I swear I’m not criticizing. I’m just worried about you. We all are.” She pulls me back, and because I’m already falling apart, I fall into her arms for a hug.

“I’m okay. I’m happy with Pavel. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I am. We’re getting closer. It’s more than just sex now. I think that may actually be why this is getting harder.”

“Because he can’t be your boyfriend?” she asks gently.

I bristle. “He is my boyfriend. He just can’t be here. And he’s moving to Russia.” My shoulders sag.

“I don’t know, Kay. From the outside, it really seems like this thing is hurting you.”

I wipe my tears. “It’s not.” I draw in a terraced breath.

“Promise me something?”

“What?” I ask.This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

“That you’ll draw a line at this affecting your career.”

“It won’t.”

“Promise me now. If it does, you’ll end things. I don’t want to see you throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“I promise.” Pavel would never interfere with my career. He knows how much it means to me.

My phone on the table dings with a text, and I walk over to look at it. It’s from Pavel. I’m waiting.

I hear the words in his dommy voice, the one that turns me aflutter. I pick up my sandwich and eat the whole thing while I stand there, not caring that Ashley’s still watching me. “Pavel said I had to eat,” I explain.

“Well, good,” Ashley says. “I’m glad he’s looking out for you.”

I nod, relieved that I’d decided to call him. I didn’t want to seem clingy or desperate or weird, but I also just… needed him. When I finish my sandwich, I gulp down the milk and call him.

“Have you eaten?” he asks.

“Yes, Master,” I murmur, ducking my head and mumbling so Ashley won’t hear, even though they’ve overheard me before.

“Good girl. How are you feeling now?”

“A little better.”

“I want you to put some shoes on and get outside for a walk.”

“Um, okay.” I say, heading into my room to pull on a pair of sneakers. I throw on my jean jacket and head to the door. “All right, I’m heading out.”

“Good. I’m going to walk with you, blossom, and I want you to tell me what you see. What’s beautiful out there on your walk-besides you?”

I laugh softly, already starting to feel soothed. “Oh. Um… okay. Well, right now I’m in the elevator.”

“What’s beautiful?”

What’s beautiful… in an elevator? I look around, seeing it with a new lens. “Well, it’s clean. Pretty basic. But it always runs well. It smells like lemons.”

“Like lemons?”

“Yeah. Must be the cleaner. But it’s nice.” The elevator doors open, and I walk outside. “There’s a palm tree in front of my building, and it dropped some of its bark. I stop over the piece of bark and stare down at it. “It’s in the shape of a heart.” I tilt my head. “Actually, it kind of looks like a bodice that’s been ripped open by a lover.”