The Soldier Next Door

They say that happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know that you left open.

Should this be said about fear?

I wish I knew. All that I know is that changes are often very scary, especially if you do not know where you are heading.

What else is scary is my wife-to-be, that is standing at the doorway, and she is not looking happy at all. Now I have learned, since these times that I have been home, that an angry pregnant woman is the worst that you can find. And I have just seemed to anger mine. So I am remaining quiet until she speaks first, but god, it is not speaking; it is the building of a great thunderstorm.

With the rumble of her chest, there is a launch of words that come directly headed my way, “Ethan, did you open that envelope?”

“Boo…”

Ya, I cannot get in a word as she lashes out again, “I am asking you a question? Did you open that envelope?”

“Boo…”

Once again, I cannot get a word out as her anger only seems to build, “I am asking you a fucking question? Did you open that envelope?”

Well, now should I answer her question or tell her she is not allowed to swear in front of the baby. I am going to refrain from both, for she is about to toss what seems like a glass, and it sure seems that she is aiming it directly for my head.

This is one crazy angry mommy in front of me. But she is not yet done, “Ethan,” her voice raises with each syllable, “I ask you…”

Now it is my time to interrupt her, “But boo, I am trying to…”

She still does not care for me to say one goddamn complete sentence. How the hell must I speak to her. Yet still, she carries on with her crazy rampage, “I told you we are opening it together. But no, Ethan Hunter does whatever the fuck he wants. I asked you one simple thing, and you could not do it, can you? Why must I constantly have to check up on you and tell you what to do? You are a goddamn grown man.”

“But, boo…”

“Do not ‘but boo’ me; you only think of your goddamn self. Could you not wait for just one hour? I told you do not to open the fucking thing. I don’t even know why the hell I keep up with your immature ass.”

“Boo…”

“Stop calling me fucking boo.”

Well, my patience has now just run out, she is not giving me one minute to speak, and now she is starting to insult me where it truly is not necessary.

So ya, I am standing face with a very angry woman that is not interested in listening to what I am trying to say. She has simply made up her mind that the piece of the envelope in my hand is the one she was given to by the Doctor.

Does she honestly take me for that kind of man?

Well, I have news for her, “Think what the fuck you want to Ana, I did not open that envelope.”

And that is yet another thing that I should not have said. “Do you think for one minute that I believe a word you say? Lying comes too easily to a Marine.”

“You want the honest truth?” I pause as I see the expression on her face grows into shock, then I continue, “I don’t give a shit.” And that leaves my mouth far faster than what I can think, but I love Ana; one thing I do not love is how mean she gets, and she loses her temper. She does not seem to understand how much her words hurt a man.

So, very shocked and furious as hell, she flings that goddamn glass in my direction, “Is that going to be your answer?”

“You know what, Ana. I don’t give a fuck anymore.” And that is me; my restraint snaps. “You do not want to listen; you just want to stand and fight, and let us not forget how you try to hurt me. So carry on. You hurt me more than once and so incredibly deep I thought I would die.”

She only but ignores a single word that I say; the fact is that Ana, even how much I fucking love her, she only does think of herself. I wish that she can just take a tiny bit of the pain that she has made me feel. Not just once but over and over again. They say that time heals all wounds; well, that is the biggest lie that someone has ever told.

Time does not heal a wound; it covers them with a misty haze of new memories that make focusing on the wound like swimming through a murky river.  You can still see it if you get close enough, and it’s always so shocking when that happens because you never see it coming.

Ya, fuck, I never saw any of this coming.

Most of all, not Ana flinging a goddamn glass at me.

Then, after a long silence, she speaks again, “Give me one reason why I should not leave your ass?”

“If you asked me that an hour ago, I could have answered you, now, I don’t give a fuck. Do whatever it is that you want because that is what you do in any case. You do what Ana wants, and if Ana does not get it, she throws a tantrum like a fucking child.”Nôvel/Dr(a)ma.Org - Content owner.

Well, perhaps I should not have said that, for she only steps two steps closer, and from deep in her belly, she growls, “What the fuck makes you so much better?’

“I have never broken your heart. That is what makes me so much different from you. I still have nightmares.  Even with all the time in between, I still cry every time I am visited by you in the weakness of night. Have you once but shed a single fucking tear?”

“What is there to cry about?”

“Precisely my point. And that is why I cannot tell you why you should not leave me.”

What my relationship with Ana did with me, it changed me; it showed me how to love and to change as a man, but she has also forever scarred me. One too many fights…one too many times that she has left. I am a different person since I have known her.  She pushed me to the edge so many times that I have stop counting how many times I collapsed.

And so, as strong as it might be, I have more determination than before, “You know that I hated you, each time you left, each time you hurt me, I really hated you. But I have realized that the more I hate you, the more you take a living piece of me.”

“Did you not for once thought that I was only doing what was best for us?”

“Ana, you are not a fucking child anymore. So stop acting like one and grow up.”

“Well, guess you are quite clear about your point.”

“Yes, I am clear about my point. I think I should have known in the beginning that this would never work. But do you know, I had the best times with you in the beginning, we were on the top, you made me the person that I wanted to be. I had a perfect life.”

Then she goes and floors me with the most fucking stupid question I have heard so far, “So what happened to us?”

“You. That is what happened to us. You kept on leaving, you kept on hurting me, then you will come back crawling, and I would forget that anything ever happened, but with just enough time, you did it again. Loyalty means fuck all to you.”

Ya, I wish I can believe myself when I say that our relationship was a mistake, but the last time she left me, that was just the tipping point. She did not have to say a word; it was the words unsaid that hurt the most.

“You make me out like I ruined your life.”

“Ana. You turned me into a monster all because I thought that I could not live without your love.

“But you broke me too.”

“Oh god, please tell me where and when?”

She goes silent, and by her hesitation, I know that she has no idea of what she is saying.

“So,” I move only but one step away as she is about to throw a goddamn lamp in my direction again.

“Ethan, I am just, I am so angry. You have no idea how much pain you have caused me. You could have fucking waited for me.”

“And you have no idea how much pain you have caused me over and over again. I don’t understand how your brain works. You can cause so much pain, but I would still want to be with you. I used to seek your approval. I used to do everything for you. I will never do that again. You do not come into my thoughts any longer. You are not a part of me, and you never will be again. It is sad to let the fun memories go, but they were tossed out a while ago.”

“It is not the same, and you know it. You have no idea what you are talking about.”

“I am dead because of you. You think the world only revolves around you, and I am sure that is still true. I do not think that you can change that about a person. I do not believe that you will ever be able to change. But I hope you do. I hope other people do not have to experience what I had to. I would never wish for my worst enemy to be treated the way you treated me.”

Ya, I am hard on her and perhaps just plain damn nasty.

But should I forgive her?

Well, let me think about that…

“Ana, you took my soul. You took my entire life. You took my happiness and my will to be alive. But everyone makes mistakes. You were my mistake. I have forgiven you. Can you fucking forgive me?”

And with that, as that lamp comes flying past my head, I hand her the envelope.