The Soldier Next Door

I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.

Why did I not learn to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future. The truth is that unless you let go unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to getaway. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain.

You’ve got to dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth.    

Well, do I believe in that faint breath of a word that is called a miracle?

It will take me some more convincing, but what has just happened is rather a good start. My dad just had a peak in his heart rhythm, which means that goddamn machine beat a bit faster than it has for the past three days.

Is this hope?

Well, the Doctor said we need to have faith for when he runs another round of tests tomorrow morning. So I guess I need to start believing in those words that I have been trying so hard to avoid from feeling.

So, yes, accept it.

At some point, you are going to have to accept that there are words like faith, like hope and that there are even those things that they are calling miracles.

Ya, I can no honestly say that you, this fucking illness, this coma, you can now go away. You might think you are tearing us apart, where in fact, you are only bringing us stronger and closer towards each other.

You infiltrate so many lives; how can you remember the details of my dad’s? I do not remember you entering our thoughts. You were not in our vision at all. You can come to us in shock, all grades of your aggressiveness. I will give it to you; you totally took us by surprise and caught us out!

My dad has one hell of a fight on his hands against you. It is taking all he has to fight. You tear at his body; you mess with his mind; you make him, at times, doubt his desire to carry on fighting you, but trust me when I say that those doubts are momentary. 

They only occur in the rare weak moments when he hurts too much. When he feels too exhausted, you underestimated him. He is fighting you hard, and it is at this point that I should tell you that you can never win against us. Never. 

You have so many victories, have beat so many people, but I need you to know that this is a battle you can not win, and I am going to tell you why.

But first… You changed my dad. You changed the man that I love into a man I wasn’t sure of. For the first time ever, there were sides of my dad that I did not recognize. And you can do that to a person. 

You make him fight demons that only he could see. Twist his mind, test his soul. You make him hurt from the top of his head right down to his toes. You weaken him physically, something he has never before experienced. You make him question his own strength, his desire to fight. You make him terrified, but not for himself, never for himself; you make him terrified of causing us, his family, so much pain, so much hurt in our hearts. 

You make him feel guilty for the tears and heartache he sees in us, his family’s eyes. You make his own eyes look so, so sad. I can see in them the rawness of his fear and desperate longing to stay with us. You break all our hearts. You steal our happiness and rock the very foundation of our home.

You are able to do this because my dad is our happy. He is the foundation of our home. The strength. The pillar that holds up and supports us. The beacon that lights up our home and path when darker times have hit in the past. He is our home. You make us have to pause life for a while, something that we have never done. You make us live with real, crippling fear. I hate you so much for doing that. 

Suddenly the impulsive side of our lives has to be pushed aside to accommodate the days of sickness, the dark days, the weakness. We have always lived our life looking for adventure, exploring, living. We have always had a positive outlook on life, always knowing that we were lucky. Perhaps you thought us a little smug in our happiness? You have taken all of that from us.

But, I am a fair person, so I need to tell you what you also gave us. Balance things up a little. This will also help you understand why you can never win this particular battle! When you give us time to breathe, you give us a renewed lust and love of life. 

You make us appreciate what we have, made us truly understand and remember how bloody lucky we are. We have always chosen to live fully, with no regrets, but you make us run full pelt at life again. You make us grab every opportunity, accept every invitation, laugh with abandon every single day. 

You remind us to love deeply, appreciate fully, and to never, ever take anything for granted. You cement in our minds what is important and what really isn’t! That is what you give us, and I will afford you a small nod of credit for that.

Now, let me tell you why you can’t be victorious in this battle with us. You cannot win because all of what I have mentioned is ours to keep, and nothing you do can take that from us. Whatever happens, you can not take that. Some people don’t get a single day of what we have! There is no coulda woulda shoulda with us, no regrets. 

So you invading our lives just made us make more memories. We tried things we had wanted to try. We upped the anti and lived harder than ever! Yes, you stayed on the periphery of our vision; that tends to be your way. You like to keep all of those touched by you, fearful of your return. It is your calling card, isn’t it, your modus operandi. You like us never to forget your visit. But every single day, we got up and lived.

You seem to want to make my dad battle. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that we are scared. That we don’t have to control our minds to prevent them from taking us to dark places. It would also be a lie to say that we don’t fear you. That I don’t feel like someone is sitting on my chest, such is the panic. We do fear you. But fear can be channeled and molded into positive energy. An incredibly strong and potent positive energy. Did you not know that? I learned that ability a long time ago, so we have got that skill in the bag.

What you perhaps didn’t anticipate, though, is that we are battle-ready. We are not blindsided. We are ready, with more weapons in our arsenal, more strength in our heads and hearts, and an army behind us! We are ready to battle you. Trust me when I say my dad will fight you with every ounce of his being. He will push back as hard as you push, harder, in fact. I promise you that. Oh, and guess what, we have the added advantage of knowing that whatever happens, You Cannot Win, because we have already won! We have truly and fully lived, and you can never, ever take that away from us. Our memories, our love, our shared adventures, our full-to-bursting hearts. They can never be lost. We have won.

Hate is a strong word, but I truly hate you. You come in where you’re not wanted and take what’s not yours.

So this is why I’m telling you. I need to get all of this hurt and anger off of my chest. I am so pissed that you take and take and take.

But, you know what? You are not invincible.

You have taught us a lot. We can’t consider you a friend yet, but you have created a fire inside us that we are thankful for. We have learned to let go of the negative thoughts that we had pushed deep down inside ourselves and release the emotions that were harming us physically. We will not let you have the last dance. No, sir.

We will no longer put our lives on hold to be happy someday. We will not stress any longer over things we cannot control and instead will celebrate by living life to the fullest.

We know there will be bumps along the way in life, but as long as we are able to see the sunrise and smell the fresh air, we can overcome anything, and that means you. 

So, he will fight to live; he will fight to give life in the future. You will not rob us of that.

You’ve lost your fair share of battles. You have come against those who refuse to go gentle into the night.

My dad will rage against the dying of the light.  He will rage against you. And, his light will still shine bright.Nôvel(D)rama.Org's content.

We might accept that you are here. We know that we need to accept that this is not our fault and that there is nothing that we can do about it. But what we can do is fight and fight we will.

Yes, life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”