A Love Restored

I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what to do with my hands, with my mouth. My hands are empty without the weight of julian’s. I thought I could be comfortable with his absence, I don’t know how to hear his name and not shudder on the inside.

I tried. I wrapped up everything he had given to me, everything I had that reminded me of him and gave them to Nico to throws away. Even the walls in my room feel his absence. I deleted all the pictures I had of us together. Even the ones of just me, back from when Julian treated me like a real person. Back when things were simpler and easier and I could have loved him without tasting another woman on him, without the threat of it ending any

moment

an end,

I suppose it was easier this way, the concreteness of things, the knowing, the surety of this sadness, the indemnity of everything coming to an

i

“Ginny?” Gabriel knocks on the door to my room. He peeps in. “Breakfast?”

I sink farther into bed. Tm not hungry”

He sighs and walks in, kneeling in front of my bed so our faces are level with each other,

You need to get out of bed, Ginny.”

I nod. I know, I will. Tomorrow. Maybe. Someday.

“It’s been a week.”

It had?

I shrugged.

Gabriel strokes the side of my face lightly. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Capo Bastone as distressed as he is right now. He misses you. I know things were always rocky between the two of you, but I know it was real from the way he looked at you. He loves you.”

“Yes.” I whisper. “I suppose.”

“But not in the way you deserve to be loved.”

I smile at that. “What do you know, maybe I don’t deserve love at all.“

“You do, Ginny. I know you do. You deserve the kind of love there is in fairytales. The good kind. What you had with Capo Bastone wasn’t like that.”

“Bad love.”

“Well, no. Love is never…bad. Sometimes its selfish, or unwilling. Sometimes the timing isn’t right. Sometimes the person isn’t. It’s okay to leave, then, alright? I don’t know what happened with you two, but I’m glad you left a relationship that wasn’t making you happy-”

I nod, “Thanks, Gabe.”

“And then you don’t have to wallow in what’s lost. You have to get up, okay? Feel better. Start again. Now, I need to go to work, but I’ll make you an omelette before I go, and I’ll run a warm bath for you. Will you come out, then? Do something? Go to the shop or go out with Nico?”

“Okay.”

I do as Gabe asked, I take a bath and get dressed – comparitively nicer clothes than I’ve been in in the last few days, and I eat the omelette he made me. I’m still not in the mood to go out, so I play a movie in the background while I use my phone. I check the time. It’s pm. And its….the 8th of the month?

supposed to get my period of the 2nd. Im..six days late.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Not now. This can’t be happening.

I need to take a test. Maybe its the stress causing this.

I grabs the car keys and rush to the medical store. The store clerk eyes me strangely when I buy a whole lot of pregnancy tests and a soda. Its probably

also because I

the way there and have very, very reid eyes.

I go home, into the bathroom, and pee on a stick. The wait. The wall is excruciating. My heart is jumping out of my chest. I don’t know what I will do if I’m pregnant with Julian’s halzy.

take a deep breath and check.

Positive:

My heart sinks, No, no, no. This can’t be happening.

I take another test. And another. Then another. All of them are positive.

I am pregnant

How could this happen? We used protection. Every. Single, Time

I search frantically for my phone, running not to room, I call Nico, he doesn’t answer. I need to do something. I need to tell someone.

Holy hell, I need to tell Julian. He needs to know. He’s going to be a father.

I need to go to the Central,

I quickly get inside my car again and begin driving.

How would he react? Would he be happy? Would he let Nusa go for our baby? Would he…marry me?

I greet a few people at the Central with smiles as I make my way to Julian’s office. I’m so pumped with adrenaline – parts fear and parts happiness and hope that I don’t even feel the ache in my legs at taking the stairs to the fourth floor.

Julian’s guards try to stop me, but I run right past them, stumbling on my own feet, almost falling down, excitement coursing in my veins, thinking of my own little family with Julian. The door to his office is wide open, I’m about to enter when I stop short. Julian is on his knees, a ring in his hand, while Nua stands in front of him.

He’s proposing to her.

Oh my God.

I break into a sprint again. Now I’m not running towards him, now I’m running away from him.

I run and run and get into my car, wheezing, shaking, panting, unable to breathe, tears leaking from my eyes, but I’m unable to wipe them. I can’t move my hands.

In a while, the panic subsides. I drive around the city for hours. I buy myself some food, then throw up after taking a bite.

I don’t know how I wind up at Nico’s house. I suppose that is where I run to when things go wrong. Nico is my safe sp

space. He opens the door, I crumble

“Now, Ginny.” He shushes. Ive got you.”

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