Want to Play A Game

I am so excited that Matt has text me. I can’t believe he is messaging me out of the blue. I really don’t want to tell him that I am at the bar. I don’t want him to think that I am an alcoholic.

You know what who gives a fuck what he thinks. It doesn’t matter what people think of me anymore, I’m so tired of hiding.

I message back to him. I had a hell of a day, I am actually at the bar getting a drink by myself. How about you, what are you to?

Just waiting for you to get home so I can see you, he responds. I write back.

Seriously?!?

Are you stalking me now Matt?? lol

Oh my good if I could only be so lucky for him to be my stalker, he is so gorgeous. The things that I want to do to him.

There is no way that Matt is even somewhat attracted to me that is like impossible. As I sit there drinking my drink, all I can think about is one thing.

How good his lips must taste?

I want to find out in the worst kind of way. I’m not sure how to respond to all of this. I want to know all there is about him. What he likes and dislikes? What makes him angry or makes him happy?

I am so intrigued by him. It’s almost like he’s a mystery that I want to solve. I don’t receive another text message back. Just like I figured. I must have pissed him off. I’m already feeling sorry for myself how pathetic.

I really don’t know why I do this to myself sometimes I just feel so stupid and so alone. Just some kind of attention would be nice.

I’ve been with Jake for so long that we’re just comfortable, we are almost more like best friends. I don’t even believe that Jake is still attracted to me like he used to be. Honestly I don’t blame him I have left myself go. I know that there are prettier women out there than me.

As I am finishing up my drink, I can’t help but to keep pitying myself. I just wish I could figure out what I really want in this life. My life hasn’t really gone where I have wanted it to go. As I drink the last sip, I just want one more. I get another one and another one.

I think its time for me to stop before I’ve drank to much and forget where I live. I decide its time for me to head home. I’m not really that far away I got this. As I’m walking I decide to text Matt, even though he did not answer me back. I want to talk to him.

So I text, “What did I scare you away? Just by asking if you where stalking me? I was just joking.”

I know there is absolutely no way that you would be attracted to someone like me. I feel so stupid. I’m hoping that he doesn’t fully think I’m a loser. Well if he does it is what it is. My phone dings I get all excited that he texted me back.

I look and it’s not from him it is from Jake. I’m so disappointed, I open it and read; he wants to talk.Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org

As I get to my apartment and I’m walking up the stairs, I’m wondering why the hell he didn’t text me back. I walk pass his apartment then I stop myself, when I see Jake walking towards me.

I look at Jake “What are doing here Jake?”

“I’m not moving in with you. I’m not ready to give up my apartment. I know that you want more but I don’t.”

“I’m sorry Jessica, I want us to start our life together, settle down, get married, and have kids.”

“That’s what you want Jake I don’t. I’m not ready for all that. I think that we just want different things right now.”

“Jake maybe you should just find someone that wants the same things as you do. I don’t want you to miss out on the things you want, besides I’m not ready and I really don’t know when I will be.”

As I open my door to go inside, I don’t invite Jake in. I really don’t want him to come in. I’m so sick and tired of fighting about the same thing all the time.

He needs to go find somebody that wants something more serious. I am not that person. I can’t make it any more clear for him.

Don’t get me wrong he’s a great guy and I would be lucky to make him mine. We just want different things. He is wasting time trying to convince me to change my mind. He should be like me and figure out what he wants.

I am not even really upset over the fact of losing him so what’s that tell me. I am more upset not receiving a message back from Matt then what I am about us breaking up. Before I head inside I turn around to him.

“I am not inviting you in you need to go home. Jake its time for us to let each other go so we can be happy.”

I go inside.

I literally shut the door in Jake’s face wishing that he would not have come over. I really did not want to see him tonight. I didn’t want to talk about our issues. We have had the same problems since we’ve been together.

Obviously it’s not going to work, I wish he would just move on. I mean he is a good guy and he deserves the best. Once he finds somebody that wants everything that he does he will know it’s right for him.

I go to take a shower, brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. I can’t wait to sleep this fucking day away, knowing that I am off work tomorrow. I have no clue what I am going to do with myself but maybe it’s a good thing to have nothing to do.