The Soldier Next Door

Never did I think that Ana shall treat me in such a way. My temper so wants to boil out of control. My anger has now reached its peak, how can she think that saying sorry to me is going to make anything better. I cannot believe the words that are coming from her mouth.

Now let us take this into perspective, I have had my fair share of my own lies. And yes, it might have caused for a rather trying time in our relationship, but nothing justifies what she has done.

This stings my heart beyond belief, being rejected by the woman you love. She shall not see my tears; she shall not have the satisfaction of seeing me break down. Yes, I have done this so many times, but god, this hurts hard. It cuts deeper than a thousand knives. And do they cut deep. Rejection by the one that you love with all your heart and soul is a death sentence. Did I ever see such rejection be done upon me? Never in all my years did I once foresee that I shall ever hurt so much.

My heart is shattered, I have lost Ana yet again. She was so close within my reach and it fell apart before it could even start. I love this woman so damn much but I cannot be with her. It fucking kills me, it is eating me up alive, and god, there is nothing that I can do about it. But I have to, giving her up will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. Thinking of those brown eyes swim in nothing but sorrow, is the worst torture that I have ever feel. I feel like falling into an abyss and simply disappear.NôvelDrama.Org holds © this.

Her mere words still cut me deeper than a thousand knives. She ruined what was sacred; all because why? Why did she have to go as far as this? Am I not good enough? Is the distance truly not enough for her to bear? Was it just a moment of weakness on her part? But yet, I cannot stand being betrayed. I am being rejected and it kills me.

Just the thought of her kissing another man brings a new burn to my core. It burns a hole through my heart just. I want her to be gone; I want every trace of her to be removed from my life, from my existence. I shall not stand for been treated like this when we find ourselves in a soul-bonding union. She is my only true love right now, but as for the immediate future, she does not exist.

The tears that have been threatening to consume my eyes and edge their way down my face come rolling with such great force. The raging anger that is suffocating every corner of my body lets loose like a beast. As far as my feet take me into the ops tent, every single object that finds itself in my path shatters in pure brute force against the ground. The very thought of us making love not so long ago, the very thought of the lingerie that she wore the first time we met is ripped to shreds from my mind. I want all, and every memory to be gone until there is nothing but small shattered pieces left. The chair that I sat on only but moments ago, finds its way through the ops tent. There is a glass shattering into fragments of nothing. I ram my fist with a hatred so raw in the mirror on the far side of the table, hundreds of pieces cutting at the skin of my hand.

I lay complete destruction to everything that is and was a part of her until I can say that for now, for this minute, I shall be rid of any thought of her. And when she returns into the passages of my memories, I shall do it again and again until every trace of her has been taken from my life. I am angry, I am furious. How can she betray me this way.

But this thought only but exists for a few moments, and she finds her way back into the very place I do not want her to be, she is in my head, and I want her out.

So as I scan over the destruction that I have caused, I can feel the disappointment creep into my eyes. I know that once again I have proven to her that I am not the type of man she wants in her life. But can she not see that love is what drives me and it is love that is tearing me apart. I need her, without her, I am nothing but a shell of a man. But she obviously does not seem to care and as of now, from this very moment, I too, I do not care.

And as she takes that final walk through my mind, I think for one brief moment that this is it, I can forget about her, but then those words come to haunt me strainght into my heart again, “I kissed him.” Her very words sting worse than any prick of a needle that is shoved into your heart.

So as for what will be the final time, I slam my fist on the table with the greatest of force, so hard that it vibrates against every corner of the tent.

I need to pull myself together there is a briefing coming up and it is coming up and it is coming up fast. And what else is coming up fast is the last intimate moment that I will ever spend with her, if only in my mind, it will be the very last that she will ever deserve. I want so desperately to take her in my arms and just never let go, but I also wish that she will never ever come near me again.

So as I take that last corner out the tent to the camp to go face the only people that I care about now, I can imagine myself looking in those eyes that make me crumble in so many ways, and…my heart says goodbye. But the moment is too hard for to bear, and I find myself turning back into the tent and cry. It kills me, it rips my heart open and tears my soul apart. I lay in waste, she has just pushed the only thing, the only fucking thing that was good in my life, she has just pushed it away. God knows that I will never forgive her.

Ya, Ethan, this is one fucked up mess.

And messed up good it is. But it is time to hide these tears away for my fate has just been determined. I need her to understand one thing though before we leave this tent.

I love her, but she does not exist. The only that will keep me going back to see her is my child, Ana has made her bed and she needs to lay in it.

Ya, that is me. These damn things won’t stop running down my face. But fuck why did she have to break me.

So I watch as she makes one final elegant exit from my mind, she is holding herself together far better than I am, I guess it comes easier when you are the one doing the cheating. And hold together, she does, as I watch her sway those hips from side to side, watching her move even further away from me. She in that damn red stilettos, I will never be able to slip them off again, and as I watch her disappear through the door, the last bit that was Ethan Hunter falls into a black hole.

But I cannot do this. I need to fucking pull myself together for if these boys sees me falling apart, my ass is out the door. And it is with this in mind that I make my way outside. As I pass the messhall I can see Gibbs standing there and he knows, he can see it in my eyes. We both know that I am not crying because I was happy to speak to Ana, but he knows that I am crying because we have just said our last and final goodbyes.

But then my phone rings.

It is Ana.

Before I even get to say hello she interrupts me, “Soldier, please, please can we not just talk about this?”

“There is nothing left to say, Ana.”

“But.”

“No, but. It is over. I shall be the best father to my child, but as for you and me, there is no future.” The determination in my voice is clear, I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I have, and I would love to believe so, I have given this some great thought and nothing that she is going to say is going to change the way I feel.