The Soldier Next Door

I remember the day when I was about to leave the Hospital when my dad just woke up from that horrible nightmare that he was facing. That day when we all knew that our love and faith had been tested. A time that we will never forget that should have taught us all a valuable lesson.

Now, if I can recall almost exactly, I told myself that the next years would be difficult for me. I would stumble. I would fall. There would be heartbreak and failure. I would pick myself back up and start again. That there would be more heartbreak to follow.

Well, if I now remember back to that day, I wish I could have kicked my own ass for predicting my future in such a bleak way.

Yes.

That night, that was the last time that I saw Ana walk away, for the next morning when I went to go wake her after she had a very much-needed rest, I only but found the bed cold and empty, nearly like she had never been in it at all.

So it has been a week.

A week since Ana has left.

And a week later that I am finding myself having to get ready for what will definitely be the longest month of my life.

Today we deploy.

Gibbs has stayed a week later with me so that we can get my mom here and settle.

And ya.

This is what makes me the angriest at this all, what makes me want to rip these four walls apart. The very reason why I have not opened the goddamn white envelope that she had left behind.

She left my son without a mother.

And I hate her for that.

Now more than ever, do I see that we were never meant to have been. Not even in a slight wink of a memory or a resemblance of a dream do I want to see Ana Jenkins in my mind. I don’t want a glimpse of her to force its way to the surface.

To me, well, one day, I will have to figure out how to tell my son where his mother is, but right now, the woman does not exist.

The only person that exists is this little man that has his tiny ball of fingers wrapped around my tumb. He tries his damndest to get it closer to his mouth and shove it firmly in place to suck to his heart’s content. Just as he has been doing every night as I rock him asleep.

And every time those brown eyes lock with mine, there is the smallest curve that pulls his cheeks upward to reveal his best feature, those little dimples which I am sure will steal many hearts one day.

These last precious moments that he will be in my arms will be the hardest thing that I would have ever had to give up. But if I can feel his presence nestled in my embrace for the next thirty days, then I will hold him that extra five minutes that is now starting to push us over being rather late for our ride out of here.

But I do not honestly care right now what is demanded from me as a Marine for, believe me, I tried for the past seven days to get out this commitment that I made, and there was simply no way that I could stop being ripped away from my son’s life for a month.

I just hope that he will see this as what it means to live up to a promise and not me abandoning him.

Not like his fucking mother.

But one day… Not today… I will read that envelope, and I will discover her true reason to have done such a shameful thing to her son. The only person that she claimed that she had loved more than life.

Well, I guess it is just us two boys.

So as I nestle my head deep into that chest and feel how it rises and falls under my cheek, there is nothing that brings me a greater smile to eyes that are now starting to blur from the tears that are threatening to break through at any moment. But I promised I would not upset him and let him see his daddy grow all weak.

Instead, I place little pecks on his cheeks and his nose and softly whisper in his ears, “I love you. Now you don’t give grandma a hard time.”

And just to break the edges that were holding those tears at bay, he giggles…

Ya…

I break down, and the sobs come running down cheeks that are already flustered red from anger. An anger that I have been trying to hide from Lucas for as best as I can since his mother had left.

Then just as if my mom can sense, she is there in an instant to take the little monster from my arms that are now trembling out of control. With that, I walk on over to my father, that is holding a warm cup of coffee, but what he does not tell me is that he has dropped a shot of whiskey in there.

“Do you want to kill me?” I burst out as the coffee goes spurting everywhere, “Or do you perhaps want them to arrest me before I get onto that plane?”

My father only but chuckles, and I throw the rest of that hot cup of damn whiskey-coffee to the back of my throat. And as I go to put it in the basin, my father pulls me into one uncomfortable hug, “Lucas will be fine; you just go do what you do best and come back in one piece for godsakes.”

“Ya, I don’t think there are any more pieces that can…”

From behind me comes my mom and gives me that all too familiar smack against the head, “Do not even finish that sentence. Now, your father is right about one thing, Lucas is going to be fine.”

I break away from my father’s gaze and turn to my mother with a newfound urgency in my own eyes, “You do not let that woman near this house. If she comes…”

My mom places her hands upon my shoulder; she knows how I feel about that woman showing up here out of the blue and wanting to demand her son. Well, she was right when she thought that I would not give her up for kidnapping because I would have never done so, but I have definitely made sure that all who can know that she has abandoned her child.Property of Nô)(velDr(a)ma.Org.

“Ana Jenkins is not fucking allowed near my son,” I look at my mother without even winking, then I turn to face my father, “And you make sure that mom does not give in. Now I will be back in exactly thirty days. I am expecting to only see you three here when I come back.”

“But Ethan…” My mom gives me that cock of the head as if she wants to get sympathy from me. She tries her best to seek eyes that care for that woman, but she finds naught.

So I only but soften my voice as my mom has just put Lucas down for a nap, “I am serious, mom. You know how I feel about what has happened. You know how hard this week was for Lucas and me. I know he was looking for him, and I could not even explain one goddamn thing that would have made sense to him. Please.”

And with that, my mom pulls me into her embrace and wraps those protecting arms as far as they can reach across my broad shoulders. After her own tears have subsided, she whispers in my ear, “I promise you that I will do anything to keep Lucas safe.”

“Thank you, mom. I will phone you every night and message you every day. If I can’t get to a phone, then Ray will check-in, but please, if there is any fucking thing…” And the words are not even yet from my dirty little mouth, and my mom has me firmly slapped against the head.

“And you better start watching that mouth of yours.”

I only but chuckle at her as I pull her and my dad in for one final hug. And much to my mother’s annoyance, I creep back to the nursery where I find my little man rather wide awake, just staring at the bright little stars that I had painted on the roof myself for him about two nights ago.

I love this little bundle of you.

And I need to be strong for him.

I need to be stronger than I even imagine that I can be.

So yes, more heartbreak will follow, but beyond that, there is my love for him, and I know he loves me near more fucking more than he ever… Well, I am not comparing, but yes, there has been failure, but failure will not rule our lives.

Our lives can only get better from here on end, but before that happen, it is, unfortunately, the hardest and the saddest goodbye of my life.

And as I lean down and pick him into my arms, I squeeze him tight and shower his little lips with kisses, “See you soon, my boy.”