The Impact of You

Chapter 26

Avery

I hate how alone I feel without Jase. We haven’t spoken since that heated exchange in his room after he found out about my past. I know I shouldn’t have, but a tiny piece of me was hoping that he’d be okay with it. Well, not okay, but maybe more understanding. I guess he isn’t who I thought he was, either. It was stupid to think he could be the one to save me. I’d learned long ago to rely on myself and not put too much stock in others. They just let me down in the end anyway.

I can’t change my past. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t track down every person who downloaded that degrading photo collage. The only thing I can control is what I do next.

Realizing it’s time to deal with my identity issues and face my past once and for all, I open my laptop and log into my email account. I debate over creating a generic email address that can’t be linked to me, but in the end, I want my birthmom to know my name, to know who I am.

I type what I had intended to be a brief message, but it turns out when you’re emailing your mom for the first time, there’s a lot to say. I tell her about my dads, how I had a great childhood, and that I am in college now. I tell her about my roommate and our crazy gay friend, Noah, who likes to borrow our clothes. I spill my heart out in my note, hoping she’ll laugh when she reads it and understand that I am a normal, happy girl. Or heck, maybe I’m just trying to prove to myself that I really am; either way, I hit send before I change my mind and delete it all.

Madison returns from class a short time later, dropping her bag to the floor and turning to face me with a concerned expression. “Hey…How are you?” The sympathy in her eyes is new.

“Um, fine I guess.”

She crosses the room and hugs me, pulling me firmly into her arms. Uh-oh. Madison is not a hugger.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, wrapping one arm awkwardly around her back.

“We need to talk.” She pulls back suddenly, her hands resting against my shoulders. “Jase stopped me after class today.”

Oh.

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“And?”

“And he told me. Everything.”

My heart sinks.

Madison continues, “At first he was coy, asking me about your dating background, your experience with guys.” She let out a nervous chuckle. “I basically told him you wouldn’t know what to do if a cock slapped you upside the head. But he informed me I was wrong. At first, I was proud, but then he explained about the pictures your ex used to exploit you, and I’m so sorry, Avery, I had no idea. Now I feel terrible that I always tried to get you to break out of your shell. I thought you were just a little shy – not scarred from a traumatic event.”

“It’s okay, Madison. I just don’t really tell people about it. But I am okay.”

“Really?” Her brow wrinkles in concern.

I shrug. “I’m trying to deal. It’s not like I have a choice. And I don’t want to hide under a rock anymore.”

Her smile grows, pushing her mouth upwards. “Good, hun. That’s good.” She gives my hand a squeeze “I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Mads.” I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I can’t resist probing for information on Jase. “So what was Jase’s mood like?”

Madison’s smile falls. “He seemed sad, worried about you, but mostly sad. He wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what this means, or how to process this information. It isn’t like he calls me anymore, or even sits near me in our shared class. I can’t control Jase’s response to learning about my past. The only things I can do is move forward, and pray that everything works out like it’s supposed to.