Surrender Your Sensations

“Why?” I asked Rupert.

I heard him sigh and then his arms wrapped around my waist. He made me sit on his lap and then kissed my chin.

I bit my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to cry out of my frustrations and disappointments. I lifted both my hands to cup his face. “I thought I will forever see you, Rupert.” My hands caressed both of his cheeks. I leaned my face closer to see his eyes. “I saw you last night. I can’t be wrong, Rupert.”

My fingertips touched his eyes down to the tip of his nose and then to the cold metal ring on his lips. I clearly remembered what he looked like. But then, I woke up today only to see his blurred face again.

My heart ached.

“Rupert,” I sobbed. I could no longer hold back the tears. I was so happy last night- and now, it turned out, it was just for a while. “N-Not again … I-I can’t see you again. W-Why?”

All my life, I thought I was okay with myself not seeing people’s faces. I got used to it. I was so used to it that it became part of my system; to look straight at people’s faces when talking with, faking that I could their facial reactions; to pretend that I know people who were calling me from afar; to carry on with this life, interacting with blurred faces; and to accept the fact that my prosopagnosia was permanent.

I even accepted the fact that I would never see Rupert’s face.

But last night … It was so vivid. How he was standing on that stage, singing his heart out while looking at me with his eyes full of love. How he was making love with me while staring at me with his loving eyes.

“Sshh … Meredith, it’s okay-”

“It’s not okay … I-It’s not okay. W-Why did I see you last night and now I can’t? W-Why did the miracle last only for a moment? Why can’t it be permanent, Rupert?”

Rupert pulled me closer. His hands cupped my face too and then he kissed my forehead. “It’s okay, Meredith. At least you saw me. At least you saw how much I love you last night.”

Was it selfish for me to get angry right now? My neurologist already explained to me that my condition didn’t have a cure. But … I hoped. Last night, I believed. I thought … That’s right.

“I-I want to see you smile, Rupert. I want to see how annoyed or jealous you are. I-I want to know when you’re sad or angry.” My hands desperately caressed all the features of his face- I tried to remember his face that I saw last night; his smile and his eyes. I wanted it to remain in my damaged brain. “I-I hoped. I thought, I can live normally.”

It’s true what they say – once you’ve experienced it, you’d be selfish enough to wish for the experience to last.

“Stop crying, Meredith. Sshhh …”

“It’s unfair, Rupert! It’s so unfair! This life is exhausting.”

After almost two decades, last night was the only moment I clearly saw people and their faces. I grew up hating social interactions because of their scary blurred faces. It was so difficult to act normal when you’re not.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

“It was just for a moment, Meredith. But what’s important is that you saw me,” Rupert wiped off of my tears before leaning closer. The tips of our noses touched. “At least, you know what I look like. At least, you saw me smile. At least, you saw me singing my heart out last night while being hopelessly in love with you.” He then rubbed the tip of his nose on mine.

I closed my eyes and forced myself to stop sobbing. “I-I’m tired of this life. I don’t want anything to happen right now if I can’t see you, Dad, Aunt Bernadeth and Eian, Bailey and my friends.” I leaned against Rupert’s chest and silently cried. “Can’t I really get that? Don’t I deserve to see the faces of the people I love?”

Rupert’s arms wrapped around me again. His hand caressed my hair as I felt him kiss my head. “If you can’t see in my face how much I love you, then I will show it to you, Meredith. And if I’m angry or disgusted or jealous, I’ll tell you right away.”

“I-I want to see you … I want to see you again.”

Rupert took a deep breath before he slightly separated me from him. I didn’t expect it when he laid me back on the bed then placed himself on top of me.

I was crying like a child. I was hurt and desperate.

“Rupert, I am desperate to see you. I want to see you for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t want you to see me.”

I was stunned by what he said. I frowned and he chuckled. I was stunned when he took my right hand and lifted it. He placed my hand on his hair- the tips of his hair strands were ticklish.

“Maybe I’m getting older that’s why it feels like my hairline is getting higher. You can actually feel my wide forehead now.” He then placed my hand on his forehead and a small chuckle escaped his mouth.

My mouth fell open because of confusion. My tears stopped falling. “What the heck are you saying?” From this distance, I could see his playful gaze. “Why are we talking about hairlines?” I wiped my tears away and frowned at him.

He chuckled even more before planting a soft kiss on my lips. Then, he lowered my hand to the corner of his eye and then to the bottom of his eyes. “Maybe it’s not very clear to you, but I already have wrinkles on the side of my eye and my eyebags are big and black. Anyway, I don’t want you to see that.” He guided my hand to his lips. “I had dry lips today. But since you can’t see, you can enjoy my kiss.”

“Rupert-”

“My point is I am okay with your prosopagnosia because it’s helping me to hide my imperfections. You also can’t see if someone is more handsome than me and you can’t know if someone is more macho than me.” Rupert kissed my nose before pinching it. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t see me. I will make sure you can feel me in every way possible.”

I sighed as he pressed his lower body against mine. I felt his hard and big bulge poking me. “Rupert!”

“See. You can feel me, Sweetie.” Definitely, he got another meaning for that. “Your other senses can recognize me even though your eyes can’t.”

I gulped  when he put my hand in the middle of our bodies until I could feel his manhood getting angry again. “You can touch me anywhere and you can hear me.” His face came even closer. He licked my earlobe, “You can also eat me, right?”

A shudder ran through my spine. Obviously, he was trying to lift my mood up. But he couldn’t really get rid of his perverted and sexy self. “You’re really a pervert,” I whispered in his ear before giving him a playful smile. I pushed his chest to remove him on top of me. He left and helped me sit up in bed.

He knelt in front of me and held my hands on top of my lap. “What I’m trying to say is I love you … Including the imperfections and difficulties. I don’t mind if I have to wear the same kind of clothes or hairdo everyday for you to remember me. As long as,” he took my hands to his lips and kissed them, “you just let me be by your side. I want to take care of you.”

I interlaced our fingers together and I smiled at him. “What if I asked you to leave me if the biopsy result stated that my tumor is malignant?”

He was stunned. I couldn’t see his facial expression from this distance but I didn’t lean forward. I don’t want to see his reaction. I was scared and hurt.

“What if I wanted you to leave Rupert?”

“But I don’t want to leave you, Meredith.”

I bowed and nodded. “I don’t want you to go through the same pain as mine. That’s the reason why I will ask you to leave if it’s cancer again.”

“I will disagree. I will pester you until you let me stay; until you let me take care of you.” Rupert tugged at my hands. I had no choice but to meet his gaze when he slightly lifted himself up until our faces were just an inch away. “We’re both in this relationship. You’re hurting me already for excluding my decision in this matter. You’re making me feel like you don’t trust me. You’re making me feel like you don’t believe in how I feel for you.”

I took a deep breath. “If the tumor in my breast is cancer, the next thing to happen will be difficult-”

“So? Does love surrender if things become difficult?”

“What if you surrender?”

“What if I don’t?” Rupert kissed my lips. It was a passionate and slow kiss. “Try me, Sweetie.”