Surrender Your Sensations

“What do you hate about the country?”

How many times had I blinked at Ma’am Juliet’s question. My org mates told me, we’re going to deal with a pressing question, most probably regarding current affairs or news- I expected them to hear facts from me.

But … I didn’t know they would ask for my opinion which was very … Subjective in nature.

“Yes?”

“Yes?” Sir Romeo smirked at me. “Is that how a debater should answer once asked a question?”

I swallowed and immediately placed both my hands behind my back. It took all the remaining courage in me to not avert my eyes. Once I do that, this is done.

I shook my head immediately before standing up straight. I looked at each of the people sitting on the panel- straight to their eyes while my mind was giving me a list of answers. My hands were shaking behind my back and I admitted I was so nervous, right now. This felt like I was back to start- to the most basic thing about being a debater; that was to present yourself with confidence and courage.

“Meredith Kaye Santiago, what do you hate about this country?” This time, Ma’am Juliet’s voice was more stern, her face was cold enough to make my legs wobble in added fear.

Eye on the prize, Meredith.

“I hate this country’s system of ranks and hierarchy. I hate this country’s downgrading outlook about the left extremities of life.” My jaw clenched. “Lastly, I hate this country’s unnecessary positivity and stiff standards.”

The choosing committee wrote something on their papers after I answered. I thought it was over but suddenly Atty. Madrigal spoke.

My heart started pounding on my chest like crazy. He’s the dean of the college of law – of them all, he’s the one I don’t want to question me the most.

“This is just a simple follow up, Miss Santiago.”

I hesitantly just nodded. It did not escape my eyes when Sir Romeo grinned when I could no longer stop wiping my hands on the hem of my dress. It’s sweating because of nervousness. I mean, I was probably inside this chamber for just five minutes but it felt like the time extended to more than an hour.

“What do you hate about yourself?”Content rights by NôvelDr//ama.Org.

I blinked a few times because of that question. My mind went blank for a couple of seconds before I got the words to answer.

“I hate myself for valuing the rankings, that I end up killing myself from pressure just to get on the top. I hate myself for always wanting what’s grand and end up ignoring those little things that actually are more vital.” A bitter smile spread on my lips. “I hate myself for following the stiff standards of society and for always thinking that everything is alright … Leading myself to have a hard time accepting the hard and painful reality I was in.”

This life … was full of competitions, achievements and showing-off of your excellence; full of grand things; and full of people who always follow the flow.

I’m tired of living that way. After almost dying, I wanted my second life to be the opposite. I won’t compete anymore for the sake of getting to the top. Instead, for the sake of my self-improvement. I will start to appreciate the smallest of things so grand things will make me genuinely happy. Lastly, I will not be the people-pleaser that I used to be- I will live this life according to my will … and what makes me happy.

***

“How was it?”

I was lost in my deep thoughts of what had happened during the second part of the audition as the realizations of my answers finally dawned on me.

I turned to Rupert who was staring at me intently. I could see the sincere curiosity in his eyes.

“How was the result? You haven’t spoken since we came out of the auditorium earlier.”

When I came out of the chamber earlier after meeting the choosing committee, I saw Rupert, standing there and waiting for me. He did come back after eating lunch.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t make it?” he asked, taking off his seatbelt and leaning closer to me.

Since then, I had not talked to him. I remained silent the entire trip to his unit. He asked me to stay the night with him and I agreed because I needed to talk to him.

I needed to settle things between us.

I sighed before removing my seatbelt. Then, I met his gaze. His minty breath fanning my face.

“Did something happen? What’s the matter, Meredith? You’ve been avoiding me since we were in the auditorium.” He tucked some of the loose strands of my hair behind my ear. He coaxed my chin with his forefinger and thumb. “Didn’t you make it?”

I smiled bitterly. “You said you believed I could do it. You were sure earlier that I would get a spot.”

He was stunned before suddenly kissing my forehead. “Of course. I believe in you. But you seem so lost. So I thought…”

“The results will be out tomorrow.” I removed his hand from holding mine and then I adjusted the bag I was carrying. “I came with you to talk about something.”

I was about to get out of his car when he took my hand. “What’s the problem? I won’t know if you don’t tell me, Meredith.”

“That’s why we’ll talk inside your unit.”

He heaved a deep sigh and then leaned on his seat. His hold on my hand tightened and then I heard a click on the car’s door. “Let’s talk here. Let’s fix it here. I want us to be okay when we enter my unit.” He sighed again and then I was taken aback when he intertwined our fingers together. “I want a good and happy dinner with you.”

I tried to remove my hand from his grip but he would not let me. He was just looking straight out of the car.

I sighed and then leaned back in my seat. I guess, this was the place we should talk about what happened earlier.

“I am not Ava, Rupert.”

I felt him stiffened and then his hand let go of mine, little by little. I turned to him and he was quick to wipe his face. A bitter chuckle escaped his mouth, “Of course, you are not her.” He looked at me, his face was contorted into a deep frown, frustration was evident. “Why are we talking about her, anyway? She’s not involved in what we had and certainly, you don’t have to stress yourself from what I feel for Ava. What we have and what Ava and I had are two different things.”

He was right in what he said. He loves Ava while he just wants to bed me. And I know that. I understand that. I am only here for sex too but I don’t want him to look at me as Ava.

Earlier, when he said he would be here for me because obviously he failed to do that for Ava, it made me feel like I was only here as a replacement for Ava. Just a second chance to redeem himself because he failed Ava.

But the thing was, what happened before and what’s happening now were different. And I don’t like the idea of ​​Rupert mistaking me for Ava because he might end up falling for me while his mind and heart believed I was Ava.

I don’t want love… and definitely, I don’t want Rupert to reincarnate Ava’s memories and characteristics to me.

“If you want us to really enjoy what we have, might as well, refrain from seeing Ava when you are looking at me, when you are with me.” I leaned my head against the window next to me. My eyes settled on the blinking red light at the end of the parking lot of this building. “Even if you deny it, Rupert. I feel like you see her in me. I don’t know how or why, but every time you care for me- it’s like you’re doing that because you’re seeing Ava.”

“I’m not. Ava is not you, Meredith.” A pince of pain was felt on my chest. “When I’m with you, I only see you. When we do it or when I care for you, it’s only you.”

“That’s not how I perceive it, Rupert. We’re just staying with each other for sex, so I can’t understand why do you have to care for me. Why do you insist on taking care of me?” I slightly bumped my head on the glass window of the car as frustrations took over. “If you don’t see Ava, the girl you failed to protect, then, why? We can just treat this as something casual. No strings attached. But with every little good and sweet thing you are doing for me, don’t you think we might end up getting tangled with each other more than the way we should?”

“I care for you because I know you’ve been in hell before meeting me.” I felt his hand on my shoulder. He pulled me away from leaning on the window then forced me to face him. “I care for you, genuinely. I just want things to be easier for you while you’re with me. I’m just really like that.”

“Great fuckboy, isn’t it?” I smirked at him and he sighed.

“I don’t get why it’s bad to worry for a friend.”

“I see. So, you’re going an extra mile in this sexual relationship because we’re friends?”

He shrugged. Then, he cupped my face with both of his hands. I was stunned when he kissed me on my lips, deep and rough. His hands went lower, gripping both of my elbows when his tongue entered the inside my mouth. He taunted my tongue and then sucked it.

We’re both breathless when the scorching hot kiss ended. “Why are you so bothered about me taking care of you?” he asked against my lips.

I closed my eyes as he sucked on my lower lip before wrapping one of his arms around my waist.

“You’re confusing me, Rupert,” I answered, honestly.

He stared at me for a few seconds before grinning. He pulled my body closer to his until I ended up straddling on his lap. He slightly reclined the driver’s seat. I could even feel the steering wheel behind me.

“I thought you’re only here for sex? You won’t be confused if really that’s the case, Meredith.” He buried his face on my neck and then sniffed my smell. “Don’t be confused. We’re friends. We’re friends satisfying each other’s desires and needs.”

“So, that’s what we are?” I caressed his hair. “Friends with benefits. Nothing more, nothing less. Is that right?”

His arms tightened around my waist. “If you say so.” He lifted his face from being buried on the crook of my neck. He kissed my chin and then nibbled my lower lip. “Just let me take care of you. I want to make things easier for you while you’re with me, sweetie.”

I stroked his hair before smiling. “At least, this is clear now. Don’t fall in love with me, Rupert. Let’s not fall in love with each other. Let’s just enjoy what we have.” Then I gave him a chaste kiss. “Most importantly, I will never be Ava. You can’t give your shortcomings to her through me. Okay? We’re two different people.”

Rupert moved my hair on the right side of my neck and then he kissed the left crook of my neck. I felt his hand on both of my thighs, caressing its way up to the apex.

“Ava and you are different. I know that. Believe me, I don’t see Ava in you. She’s long gone while you’re here.”

My body went numb when I felt his hand on my womanhood. He opened my pants and miraculously inserted his hand inside. My back arched when he started fondling my wet core through the opening on the side of my underwear while his mouth was busy leaving wet kisses on my face and neck.

“Are… Are we going to do it here?”

“Do you want me to take you inside my car?” His free hand got under my shirt. He kneaded my breasts as his other hand played with my folds.

Only a growl came out of my mouth. I just tugged at his hair while we kissed warmly. He played with my femininity until I reached my release.

I was heaving deep breaths when he slightly lifted my hips. I helped him unbutton his pants and then helped him to release his hardened length.

“Ohhh…” We moaned together before I slowly sat down on his manhood.

I rode him while he held a handful of my hair’s end and tugged at it, guiding me on moving up and down of him.

“You’re driving me crazy … Meredith … F-faster.”

I came after I plunged myself above him and then he removed his length and guided my hand to give him a job. Moments later he splashed his juice on my hand and I collapsed on top of him. My head leaned on his shoulders as sweats dropped from my forehead.

“What do you want to have for dinner?” he asked.

“Hmn … I want to just sleep.”

“No, sweetie. You have to eat. What do you think of me feeding you?”

“With food?”

I heard him chuckle. He took my hand which was wet from his sticky juice. I felt something soft touching my palm. When I look at it, he’s wiping off his essence using a hanky.

I was shaken. I made a mental note not to borrow a hanky from him anymore after the night he used it in wiping my femininity.

“I’ll cook and feed you,” he declared while cleaning me.

I remained sitting on his lap and moaned softly with each touch of the handkerchief on my skin.

“By the way, Meredith,” he suddenly said, while I was nibbling his piercing. His breathing became shallow again but I didn’t care. I really think he’s hot with this piercing and disheveled rockstar hair. “Who was the guy you were with earlier? I think I saw you with a tall guy. Suitor?”

He was asking casually- so casual that it irritated me. Why was he so unaffected? I could still remember the last incident in the cafeteria when he left me for a woman he was hooking up with. That time, I could not even move because of so much annoyance.

But he was unaffected and so casual. He was just like a ‘real friend’ curious about my life. There’s no irritation in his voice.

“I was supposed to approach you but I don’t want to disturb the two of you. You both looked so close earlier,” he added before touching my cheek. I leaned my chin on his chest before meeting his gaze. My hands caressed his arms. “Suitor? Or maybe a boyfriend?”

“He’s a friend… from the hospital where I was confined before,” I said, looking at him for any signs of jealousy. But none.

“Oh I see. Tell me if you already like someone, we’ll stop this right away.”

So, how easy is it for him to stop this? I mean, I am for the ‘friends with benefits’ label. It’s not like I don’t want it… but he is hurting my ego for being this casual on talking how to end what we have.

“Don’t fall for me,” I suddenly said, but there’s a deep frown on my face.

Why do I feel like I’m saying that to myself rather than him? Don’t fall for him, my dear self.

“Whatever you want, Meredith.”

Then, he kissed me … Slow and warm.

“I’m good at keeping my emotions in check, Meredith. Unless you want to fall in love, I won’t fall for you.”

I stared at him. My mind was in chaos because of what he said.

Unless I want to fall in love, he’s not going to fall for me?

Wait … Is that a riddle? My mind can’t comprehend.