Surrender Your Sensations

“Can you stay a little longer?”

I was stunned from fixing my hair in front of the full-length mirror in Rupert’s bedroom. I looked at him lying on the bed while watching me. He was lying on his side, his elbow erect, his head resting on his hand.

“Why?” Then, I looked back in the mirror. I even winced when I saw so many kiss marks on my neck again.

“Must there be a reason?”

I shook my head. “Everyone must have a reason. Nothing happens just because it’s meant to happen. That’s bullshit, Rupert.”

Rupert remained silent after what I said, so I didn’t speak either. I focused on putting concealer on parts of my neck and arms where red marks were seen. I adjusted the strap of the halter dress I was wearing. I had no other clothes to wear so I had to wear the same clothes again from last night after washing and drying them.

After breakfast, Rupert joined me in the shower. We had a hot and rough sex inside the bathroom. I also noticed how Rupert treated me differently after I told him about my face-blindness and the fact that I was a former cancer patient.

He became a little extra careful with me and a bit more caring. And for some girls, it would make their hearts flutter but not for me.

Honestly, I did not like it… at all. It felt like his sudden changes on how to treat me were all because he felt sorry for me. He only pity me.

I was actually tired of receiving pity from other people. I was tired of being treated like fragile furniture and putting me on the pedestal. I was tired of being a burden to the people around me.

“Meredith,” Rupert called and I had to turn to him again.

I looked at him over my shoulders. He was now lying on his back while staring at the ceiling of his room. He heaved a deep sigh before he put his right arm over his forehead. “What do you think could be her reason?”

Her reason?

“What do you mean?” This time, I finally turned my body to face him. When he did not answer, I stride towards him and stand beside the bed. “Who are you-”

My mouth dropped open when I noticed his deep breathing. “Rupert?” He didn’t answer but his shoulders started shaking. I immediately knelt down next to the bed to get a closer look at Rupert’s face.

I was stunned when I saw tears streaming down on his cheeks. That’s when I realized about the important event today. Her death anniversary was today. His greatest love.

“Hey, Rupert.” I was lost with words to say when he started sobbing. His sobs were weak at first until they got louder and louder. His body trembled even more because of the intense crying.

And I could do nothing but hold one of his hands while he continued to cry like a child. Then and there, I understood how much of his heart was given to love her, his greatest love. Rupert loved her so much that he was left devastated after she was gone.

“It still hurts. I fucking miss her… I-I miss her so much.” Then, I felt him hold my hand tightly.

I found myself crying with Rupert. The intense pain he feels penetrated me. I never fell in love so I didn’t have any idea how much it hurts. But then, if love could break someone this strong- if love could make a guy cry this much- it must be so painful.

Love… Why did humans keep looking for it if it caused so much pain?

I just let Rupert cry until all the tears were gone. I let him mourn the death of the woman he loved. I didn’t know how it feels like to fall in love. But I was so sure it hurts a lot when the person you love and care about dies. When I lost my mother, it broke me into tiny pieces. Like Rupert, I was like a child crying because it was too painful; and I was left with nothing to do but to cry.

I just accompanied him. I sat on the floor and we remained holding hands.

I was supposed to leave but then, I knew I couldn’t leave someone in this state. I never comforted anyone because I was always the weak one. So, at some point, it felt weird to have someone depending on me.

“Just cry, Rupert. I’ll never leave.”

A few minutes later, Rupert’s sobs gradually subsided. Gradually, his grip on my hand loosened. His breathing started to get even. That was when I realized he fell asleep.

I guess, what they said was really true; after crying, we got nothing left to do but to fall asleep. That’s the only way to rest your tired eyes and broken heart.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Rupert.” I got up from sitting on the floor then I pulled up the blanket over his body. I removed his right arm covering his eyes and my heart felt a pang of pain when I saw how wet his eyes and cheeks were.

I sat on the edge of the bed. I sighed before wiping off of his tears on his wet cheek. I leaned closer to see his face clearer. He’s tired and in pain. Even when sleeping, you could see it on his face.

“Sleep tight, Rupert.” Then I kissed him on the forehead.

So, this was what it’s like when someone depended on you; when someone held your hand for some support. It was a mixed feeling of sadness and determination. You’re sad because you could feel the pain of that person crying on your shoulder and you feel determined to relieve that person from pain. All my life I was always the person who depends on others because I was just simply born weak.

It’s a bit overwhelming but I suddenly felt the need to be someone whom Rupert could depend on.

I slowly lay down in the vacant space next to Rupert’s sleeping figure. I just lay there on my side, staring at him while sleeping. When I first met Rupert, I immediately assessed that he was the strong one while I was the weak one who needed his help. But I was wrong.

No one was born naturally strong. Everyone has weaknesses and everyone needs help. Strong people carried the pain better but it’s wrong to think it wasn’t heavy.

I raised my hand to caress his face. The end of my forefinger touched his forehead down to his nose and then to his lips as if I was memorizing his face.

I was staring at him for a couple of minutes when he suddenly groaned. His brows furrowed and then his body started shaking.

“Argh. N-No… Please… S-Stop…”

“Rupert! Rupert!” I sat on the bed and then tried to wake him up. I shook him but he just kept on moaning.

“A-Ava… Don’t… Ava… Please stay…”

“Rupert! Rupert! Wake up! Please wake up!”

Tears started streaming down his face. His body started thrashing all over. His groans became sobs… then loud weeps.

“Rupert! Oh gosh! Wake up!” I forced myself to hug him when he started crying tremendously. His body twisted as sweat formed on his forehead. He was heaving short and rapid breaths.

Nightmares. I never seen anyone being ruined by nightmares like this.

“Ava! Ava! Ava!”

Ava… Was she his greatest love?

“RUPERT! WAKE UP! GOSH! YOU’RE SCARING THE HELL OUT OF ME!”

“AVA!”

“RUPERT!”

The next moment I knew, Rupert was now awake, catching his breath while crying. I was hugging him. His head was pressed on my chest as I tried to calm him down by running my fingers on his hair. I breathed a sigh of relief when he woke up but I could no longer control my emotions. When I felt Rupert hug my waist and his sobs became quiet, I let go of my tears.

I am in pain for him.

It’s hard to witness someone’s weakness; it’s heartbreaking to see someone’s defenses crumbling down.

I buried my face in his hair and silently sobbed. Moments later, we’re both calm. No one was crying anymore but silence filled the room.

It took a couple of minutes before I found my voice to speak and try to lift up the mood.

“Tell me about her,” I said, which made his body stiff. I hugged him tighter and then kissed the top of his head. “Ava is her name, right? You were shouting it earlier.”

He moved and I felt him look up at me. I looked down at him and my heart ached for the pain and sadness in his eyes. He hugged my waist tightly before forcing a smile. He kissed my chin and then leaned his head on my chest again.

Somehow, I smiled as well.

“You’re correct. Her name is Ava and I have loved her ever since we were kids. Let’s just say I dreamed of marrying her and having our family of our own,” he began the story, before I felt him heave a deep sigh, “but shit happened. We were separated for pretty long years until last year, we met again. I thought I could have her back. But she was no longer the Ava who always stuttered in saying the letter ‘r’. She’s more beautiful, smarter, and had a couple of bad experiences. I thought I could save her but no. I failed to help her.”

My jaw clenched. Last year, she was still alive. So, today was her first death anniversary? Probably, this was why Rupert was still deeply hurt.

“Her last message for me was to tell everyone that she killed herself; that it was suicide. But in fact, it was just an after effect of being abused, used, and taken advantage of. My Ava was pure… and kind.” Rupert looked up at me. There was disappointment and regrets blatantly painted in his eyes. “And I was so wrong to question her decision to end her life. I can’t accept that she ended everything like that. She can still make up for it. I’m here to help her. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t ask for some saving. I would gladly do it.”

Suicide. It was labeled by religion as the biggest sin a human could do. But then, was religion even aware of how someone ends up choosing suicide in the first place?

“Pain tolerance, Rupert. Every human only has a specific level of tolerating pain. Maybe, for you, it was still bearable. But maybe for Ava, it was beyond the threshold of pain that she could handle. Maybe Ava was already suffering.” I caressed his face before I leaned my chin on his forehead. I could feel his gaze on me. “I hate the idea of ​​suicide but I don’t have the right to question if someone do it to escape the pain and suffering. Unless I walk in his or her shoes, I wouldn’t know how difficult or how painful it was.”

“I miss her.”

“That’s normal. I mean, we all gonna miss dead people because there was no chance we could see them again in this lifetime. And that’s okay, Rupert.” I heaved a deep sigh. “I also miss someone in my life.”

“Who?”

“My mom. She died because of breast cancer. Her case was really close to suicide. She couldn’t fight her illness anymore so she asked Papa and me to give up. She’s still alive, Rupert. For me, we could still save her.” A bitter smile spread on my lips. “However, for my mom, I guess it was too painful. For her, she couldn’t take it anymore.”

Almost six years ago, my mother died of breast cancer. I was so wrong to hate her for quite some time because she surrendered even though I and my father were still fighting for her. But when I was diagnosed with the same disease, I became angry with myself because I questioned my mother’s decision to surrender. Having cancer turned out to be really painful. The physical pain hurts but more than that, the emotional pain hits differently. For the patient, it hurts for you to see the people around you suffering and hurting every day because of you.

That’s when I realized the real concept of pain tolerance in humans. We all have limitations.

There was a moment of silence before Rupert moved. Our eyes met as he pulled away from my embrace. His body moved upwards until our faces met. He stared at me for a while before he caressed my cheek. “What do you think was her reason?”

“It’s for her to only know, Rupert. She’s the only one who knows why she ended up ending her own life.” I gave him a reassuring smile. “Ava will be sad if you keep being like this. For sure, she wants you to be happy. The fact that she wanted you to be the one to say how her life ended means that she trusted you and she valued what you guys have . ”

He frowned at what I said. “What’s the connection?”

“What I mean is, if I die-”

“You won’t die.”

I was stunned. I stared at him for a while before I burst into laughter. “There’s an ‘if’ at the beginning of my statement.”

“You’re not gonna die, Meredith. I wouldn’t let it.” He looked at me with so much seriousness on his face.

My smile faded and then my heart constricted because of the thought of me dying. “Everyone is going to die. You,” I pointed at him and then to me, “Me. Everyone.”

“I know. But I’ll make sure you’ll grow old and enjoy this life.”

I stared at him. My cheeks flushed for what he said. We just met yesterday and here he was actually promising me that he would help me to have a life. I didn’t expect such concern from someone you just met.

“I am enjoying my second life, Rupert.”

“That’s good. You’ll enjoy it more because of me.”

Suddenly the gloomy mood disappeared. Rupert immediately pulled my body closer to him until I was on top of him, lying flatly on my stomach. He kissed me on my lips as some strands of my hair fell to his face. I grabbed his cheeks and responded to the kiss. His hands were on my waist. Our kiss deepened and we’re both gasping for air when it was over.

“Stay for the night?”

I rolled my eyes. I already extended my stay for a day but I could not stay for another night. “I can’t. I have a quiz tomorrow in my major.”

He was so upset that I immediately laughed. I pinched the bridge of his nose before starting to comb his disheveled curly hair.

“What year are you in?” he asked.

“Second year. BA Philosophy.”

He nodded before starting to tease my neck. He kissed, licked and nipped it.

“Rupert! I already have too many marks there!”

“You smell good.”

I tried to get off of him because I could feel his bulge starting to grow again. But he did not let me go until my back was laying flatly on the bed while he was on top of me.

He grinned at me before he pushed his groin on the sensitive flesh in between my legs.

“Rupert!” I groaned. “I’m still sore!”

“That’s why I’m just rubbing it,” he defended and I looked at him appalled. He laughed before he finally got off of me. He lay beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He even placed his leg to cage my legs which made me laugh. “Are you really going to forget me?”

I was stunned by his sudden question. I know I had to answer him; I need to be honest. “Y-Yes.”

Silence.

“But you said, my piercing will help you remember me.”

I smiled then bent down and kissed him on the lips. I sucked his piercing and he groaned. “Yes. Thanks to this shiny metal, I would know it was you.”

“Really?”

“Yup. But please change your perfume. It’s not for my taste.”

He laughed before nodding. “Yes, Ma’am!”

I gasped when his hand caressed my exposed thigh. “Should I bring you home?”

“No need. I can go home on my own.”

“I insist.”

“I insist, too.”

He just sighed. “Please be there on Friday.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Let’s see.” Then I winked at him.

“Such a tease.”

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