Repaying the Mafia’s Dept

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“You’re going to kill me?” she whispers as I shut the front door behind me. She walks aimlessly in the hall.

“No,” I tell her again. She said it in the car and I shut that shit down. But she won’t look at me. She doesn’t believe me.

“I don’t understand. Why?” She still doesn’t look at me, and I hate it. What we had was pure. But now it’s tainted with doubt.

“I’ve told you repeatedly I won’t hurt you.” She finally looks at me, but I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

“Come here, kitten,” I hold out my arms for her. She just needs my touch. I’ll keep her safe. Vince can go fuck himself. They all can. I’ll run away with her if I have to.

She looks at me, but takes a step back.

“I said come here.” I take a step forward and she turns her back on me to run. She’s defying me. She’s running from me. It only takes three strides until my arms are wrapped around her small body and she’s shrieking for me to let her go.

It hurts. It fucking kills me.

I walk to the basement with her struggling in my arms. She flails and kicks. She yells and cusses as I take her down the stairs. I almost drop her as I enter in the code. She’s fighting me. She hates me. I know she does. My heart hurts, but I ignore it. I hold on to the anger. I hate that she thinks I’m lying to her. I’ve done nothing but tell her the truth. I will take care of her. She needs to calm down and listen. She has to listen to me.

I open the door to her cell and she looks up at me with anger and then betrayal in her large brown eyes. She needs to learn she can never question me. She’ll learn.

She shakes her head and backs away from me as I stand in the doorway. Her body language and the look in her eyes make my heart squeeze with pain.

“You will obey me.” I say the words with force, but they’re choked. She looks back with defiance in her eyes. I don’t recognize her, and she doesn’t recognize me.

What we had is gone and I wish I could take it back. I hate Vince. I hate myself.

I watch in the monitor as she huddles into a ball on the concrete floor. Hard sobs rock through her small body, making her look weak and fragile. I know she’s not at all weak. But she’s become reliant on my approval and I know this hurts her.

I’ve seen this before. I’ve only had two subs before who thought they’d enjoy a complete power exchange.

They think they want to be told what to do. And they think they’ll be able to listen, and be rewarded and pampered. But there always comes a time when the desire to obey is challenged too far. The desire can be lost over some concept of degradation or pride, or an issued command can simply be too far outside their comfort zone. Submissives have to learn to trust that everything their dom does is for their benefit. Doubt and lack of trust are the real issues.

Susan and Cassie were sweet girls. But when it came time to push them, it ended up like this. It would have never worked with them anyway. They cried and then left me. The only difference here is that Catherine can’t leave me. Instead she’ll hate me.

She doesn’t trust me. I pace my room, not knowing what to do. I can’t leave her in there to think about leaving me. Her cries ring out from the monitors and I walk quickly to turn them off. I can’t take it.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I don’t think about anything other than what I want. And right now I want to comfort her. I want her in my bed. I need her in my arms. I take the stairs two at a time until I’m at her door. No more locks. She’ll learn to trust me. I’ll do anything I can to prove it to her. She just needs to stay with me.

Stay with me.

I walk into the room with purpose, but she doesn’t lift her head. I scoop up her body into my arms and hold her to my chest. I rock her gently and pet her back and her hair. Just holding her calms the beast pacing within me. She needs me, and I need her. That’s all that matters. Doesn’t she know that? She’s all I need. I kiss her hair, but she doesn’t look up. I walk us slowly to my room, but I don’t even know if she notices.

I try to kiss her, but she shoves me away. I hold her closer to me, but she tells me, “No.” She won’t let me in. I watch her deny me over and over as she sheds her pain in my arms.

I want to make love to her and show her what she means to me. But I feel like I’ve already lost her. My need to control her was wrong. I shouldn’t have punished her. It’s my fault. I hold her close to me as she cries herself to sleep.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper into her ear as her shoulders gently shake. “Please forgive me.” She doesn’t respond and I don’t know if it’s because she never will, or if she’s fallen asleep.

I hold onto her as tight as I can and watch her. That security I’ve had since I first laid eyes on her is gone. I look down and I know I’ve lost her.

I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat. I don’t know if I can make this right. I don’t see how it’s possible to move forward. I’ve broken her trust. I need her to forgive me, but I know she won’t.