Pleasure Unbound

I was perched on the sofa in the family room, spooning the last mouthful of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream into my mouth, tossing the empty container onto the coffee table, where it joined its empty brother, ‘Chunky Monkey’ who’d gone first, when I heard Cain and Eli come in.

Shit! I just knew I was going to hear about eating up two containers of their precious ice cream. You see, I almost never indulged in that sort of thing anymore, which is why I never bought any for myself. Which is why, in crisis, I’d gotten into theirs.

You see, my boys were extremely territorial about their stuff and about my getting into it.

They had both mini-lectured me on using up their laundry detergent, borrowing their razors to shave my legs when I had run out of my disposable Lady Schicks (Cain had really been pissed about that one, knocking on my bedroom door with little bits of Kleenex tissue dotted with blood attached to his face, and chewing my ass out about it). So getting into their groceries was a major infraction for sure.

I braced myself for my next ass-chewing, as they came into the family room, having heard the television blaring some Lifetime flick I’d turned on. Lifetime’s movie theme just happened to be “Eating Disorder Weekend.”

And I’m not going to lie. Watching Meredith Baxter as some soccer mom with bulimia, shoveling ice cream into her mouth, as she placed her order for two large fries, a cheeseburger, a fish sandwich and two milk shakes at a drive-thru window was enough to get me into the mood for some comfort food.

They stopped short when they saw me, quickly assessing the situation.

“What happened?” Eli asked, standing in the entryway wearing nylon shorts and some kickass Nike’s. “Why are you home so early?”

I didn’t have time to even respond to his questions when Cain spoke up. “And why are you binge-eating Ben & Jerry’s?”

“Yeah, about that, guys. Look, I’ll replace those when I go to the grocery, I promise.”

“We’re not fucking worried about that,” Eli said, coming over and plopping down next to me on the sofa. “Is everything okay?”

Cain was standing there silently with his arms crossed, waiting for an answer.

“Everything’s good,” I lied. “I just don’t think that Darin and I will be seeing each other socially anymore. No biggie.”

“What did that fuck do?” Cain asked, a humming anger in his voice as he sat down on the other side of me.

His dark eyes seemed to get even darker as he gazed at me, waiting for some explanation that I really didn’t feel like putting out there to them. It was actually kind of embarrassing.

“It’s nothing like that,” I replied with a shrug. “It seems that he’s not ready for anything exclusive, which is fine. I just wasn’t aware of the rules, I guess. And now I am, so hey, it’s all good. No harm, no foul.”

“Asshat,” Eli muttered under his breath. “Are you okay, babe?” I felt his arm wrap around me, pulling me closer to him.

“I’m fine, Eli. I’m really fine. It wasn’t as if I was in love with him or anything like that.”

My words sounded empty, like maybe there was no conviction behind them. “Look, I’m gonna call it a night,” I told them, as I swept the empty ice-cream containers into one arm. “I’m still helping you with that reception tomorrow, right Cain?”

He pulled me away from Eli, forcing me to face him as he studied me. “If you don’t feel like helping with that, it’s okay, sweetie. I can get Debbie to come in.”

“Don’t be silly,” I said, leaning over and giving his handsome face a Cherry Garcia-flavored kiss. “I need the extra jack, you know? I’ve got some ice cream to replace.”

I turned from him and gave Eli a kiss on his cheek. “Night guys,” I said, heading towards the kitchen. “See y’all in the morning.”

Later in the privacy of my room, I quickly changed into my nightgown and brushed my teeth, not wanting to look at my reflection in the mirror.

The truth was that I was ashamed of myself for daring to let my guard down with a man. I very seldom had done that, maybe just once or twice before, and it had never worked out.

Why in the hell had I thought that Darin was going to be any different?

As I snuggled down under my sheets, I remembered what my last semi-boyfriend had told me when we parted. “You’re just too hard to keep up with Paige. You want it all and I’m not willing to give it all just yet.

You’re not my idea of soul mate material. I’m sorry.”

That had been Ryan; a guy that I’d known all through school, but hadn’t dated until I got out of college. We had been seeing each other steadily for three months when he broke it off. He said I was getting too intense, whatever that meant. He had been the deciding factor in my coming to D. C. to find a career and, hopefully, a new beginning somewhere else.

It seemed as if my luck with men was destined to follow me wherever I went.

I didn’t really understand it, though, because I sure wasn’t big on the whole ‘Let’s get married’ or ‘Let’s live together’ thing. I was simply looking for some intimacy-a connection that was more than just good sex, something that complimented the sex, that made it more than just a physical thing, but not an ownership thing, either. Somewhere in the middle, I guess.

The best relationship I had going was the one I had with these men. How screwed up was that?

Eli and Cain were the closest thing to soul mates that I’d ever had, even though we hadn’t really been a threesome for all that long.Text © by N0ve/lDrama.Org.

And the fucked-up thing about that was that they were gay and in love and devoted to one another. How could I possibly fit into that equation?

But somehow, they did make me feel as if I belonged with them; like they cared about me as a woman, not as baby sister like it was with Trace and Easton.

And that part of it was what helped me get through stuff like this. Darin the asshat…Eli was so on the mark with that one. I sighed, somehow feeling comforted by these men that I lived with.