Chapter-72. Not the same
[Xanthea]
The haze of the heat clouding my mind cleared away. My body felt a lot fresher and rejuvenated. And it was now I understood why people said sex was the best cure for heats.
Despite my body feeling more alive than ever, a sharp soreness tightened in my muscles. I could barely keep up with Asher's ferocity. Pleasure diffused into a trail of burning pain and numbness, especially in my legs and hips. There was no point in asking him to stop or slow down; I could feel him grow harder inside me with each breathless moan that died between our intertwined lips.
Was it normal for a man to have such a primal, almost beastly reaction to heat?
I knew men went out of control near a woman in heat, but did all of them experience such raw, untamed, and overwhelmingly carnal hunger?
Or was Asher different, his need more uncontrollable, more insatiable? This wasn't the first time we had sex, so I knew Asher could control himself better. It just felt as if he didn't want to anymore.
Maybe it had nothing to do with my heat at all. Maybe it was this dark, suffocating room, drawing out Asher's deepest, darkest desires, and my body was just too weak to contain his profound lust.
Or perhaps it was the blend of both - the heat and the darkness - combining to create an experience so intense, so consuming, that my mind struggled to endure the reality.
Asher kept fucking me with the same ruthless vigor. My mind could no longer decipher if it hurt bad or good. But it hurt. Slowly, I felt myself detach from my body, unable to endure the sensations any longer. And my mind wandered, desperately seeking an escape, trying to understand the origin of it all.
What had triggered him? I contemplated, and after what felt like forever, I kept returning to the same conclusion.
All of this began with a question: what does love feel like?
That's where it all started, and I wondered if that's where it would all end. Perhaps if I answered his question, he would stop. I had to take my chances.
"Asher... let me do it... let me... please you," I slid my palm around his nape as he covered my neck with love bites, clearly obsessed with the idea of leaving his mark there someday. Or perhaps, conflicted.
He wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me against his chest, making me straddle his hips. My nails dug into his shoulders as he thrusted deeper, hitting a spot in the depths of my core that sent an electric thrill zapping through my body.
My insides tightened around him, and he let out a throaty grunt.
His breaths were labored, uneven, and strained against mine as I began riding him at my pace.
I ran my fingers through his sweaty hair and down his ripped body. Licking my dry lips, I buried my face in his neck and bit him.
He hissed, letting out a satisfactory groan.
"Asher... can we-"
Before I could ask if we could take a break so I could answer his question, he hugged me, burying his face between my breasts. "Can we stay like this forever?" His words took me off guard.
"Uh-"
"Do we really need to go back?" he mumbled softly. "Can the time just stop right now? And can we just freeze in it together?" I blinked, my heart racing faster.
"Being with you like this makes me wonder if this is what home feels like," he spoke against my breastbone and my smile faltered.
"Does this place feel like home to you?" I asked, feeling my heart tighten with guilt.
"You... feel like home to me," he said, and my heart skipped a beat, my chest filling with warm flutters.
I bit my lower lips, my body tensing up.
All of this might be overwhelming for me, but from the serenity in his tone and the vulnerability in his body and words, I could tell he found this peaceful.
Maybe we could stay here a little longer.
With that thought, I held back my words and allowed myself to please him. His thrusts turned softer, their intensity mellowing. They became much more endurable now that I knew how I made him feel. "Being the alpha of the Infernal pack must be very difficult, right?" I asked.NôvelDrama.Org exclusive content.
"Unlike you, there's nothing worth telling in my story. It's more or less like this room. There's nothing to see here," he said.
"Nothing to see, yet so much to feel," I said.
"True, and most of it is because you are here."
I blushed. "Are you trying to flirt with me?" I asked, blanketing my arms around his neck.
"Is it working?" he asked playfully.
I broke into a soft laughter.
"This room is fucking with my mind, otherwise it wouldn't have worked," I smirked, my heart pounding gentler.
I felt him place his palm under my ear. "Xanthea..."
"Yes, husband?" I smiled.
"Thank you," he said in a serious tone. "But you can stop pretending now."
Tears stung into my eyes. Blinking fast, I shook my head, lowering my eyelids. "P-pretending? I don't..."
"I know you are hurting," he said simply.
"N-no. I am not..."
"Shhh," he placed his finger on my lips. "I know there's something you want to tell me. What is it?" "Nothing, Asher. Trust me."
"I can tell a lie from the truth even before you say it. So please, Xanthea. Just say it," he whispered.
I took a deep breath and stopped moving my hips against his.
"Do you remember what I said on our nuptial night after winning your first game?" I asked.
There was a moment of silence before he spoke.
"I want you to make love to me like you would to the woman you love and respect to someone you'd never hurt. That's what you said that night." Asher repeated what I said that night, word for word, his voice raw with reminiscence. I widened my eyes, peering into the veil of darkness that hid him from my vision. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that he remembered every word I said.
Holding back the emotions surging within me, I continued, "that's my answer to your question. That's what I fantasize love to feel like."
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His hand withdrew from my body.
"I'll be honest with you. I don't know what true love feels like. But I have fantasized about it based on the books I read and people I observed in real life. And I figured out that you can respect someone and not be in love with them, but you can't love someone and not respect them. Love is respect, sacrifice, and selflessness. Love is when you start putting someone and their needs before you..."
I took a deep breath as he pulled out of me and I felt his cum slither down between my thighs.
Asher remained silent, but I knew I had his attention.
"And you were... the manifestation of the kind of love I had always fantasized about. Love is gentle like you have been with me from the moment we met. Every small thing you do, all your small gestures that go unnoticed by others, I notice. The way you care, the way you are. That's what love might feel like... for love is not in the grand gestures of 'I-love-yous', it's in the small but genuine gestures of 'I-am-sorrys' and 'I-care."
"But right now, it doesn't feel the same, does it?" he said. "I don't feel the same. I am not the same. Right now, you wish I went back to being the Asher I was before, right?"
I lowered my gaze, feeling the churn in my stomach weaken my body. It felt as if he could read my mind.
"You stayed here because you realized this place meant something to me. But that didn't make it any less unbearable for you. Did it?"
Fidgeting with my fingers, I remained silent. I didn't know what to say when that was precisely how I felt.
Asher got up and when my body finally left all contact with him, I felt an unfathomable restlessness course through me.
"Asher-" I felt my empty surroundings with my hand. Within a second, he held my shaking hands and knelt in front of me again.
I felt a fabric embrace my upper body as he draped his shirt over my shoulders. We remained silent as he helped me wear his shirt and slowly fastened each button down my body.
"I am sorry, Xanthea," he said in a humbled tone. "I was exceedingly selfish tonight. I just..."
He held my hands tighter this time.
"I just want you to know that... tonight meant a lot to me. But I promise you it will never happen again. I promise... you'll never see me this naked again. But thank you for defining love for me. And thank you for staying here, by my side, longer than you could. It will be enough for me. It's more than enough for me."
Asher was still holding my hands tightly, but it seemed as though I was slowly losing my grip and he was slipping farther and farther away from me.
I knit my brows, feeling the weight of his words settle gravely in my chest.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ignore the nagging voice in the back of my head urging me to hug him, as if embracing him might prevent something from falling apart. But I couldn't because he hugged me first.
And when he did, it felt as if something was shattering and I couldn't stop that destruction, just feel it.
I couldn't figure out what exactly. It was a stifling feeling in my chest that got worse when Asher kissed my forehead. But the problem was, everything was fine between us - back to how it was.
His touch was gentle again, his presence comforting like it used to be before tonight.
The restlessness in my chest got worse when he picked me in his arms. It almost felt like every emotion I was feeling... wasn't mine, but someone else's.
I took a deep breath and before I could gather myself and ask what his words meant, a sharp light blinded my eyes.
The transition from the dark room to reality did something strange to my brain, and a forgotten drunken dream replayed in my mind.
The dream was mostly pitch black, mirroring the darkness of the dark room. All I could see in it were the glowing light gray eyes gazing at me warmly, while the rest was just the sensation of a man's touch all over my body. I felt paralyzed as the realization hit me, stark and undeniable.
The room. The touch.
My lungs were cold and so was almost every inch of my body.
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All this time. In all my dreams. It had always been him.
I had been dreaming about him even before we met.
The night I just spent with him. I had lived this night before. Not once. Not twice. But in my every heat.
No wonder ever since our eyes met, I had felt this strange sense of familiarity with him like I had known him for ages. That's why I had been trying hard not to respond to his touch the way my body wanted, not look into his eyes as though nothing else in the world was worth seeing.
I couldn't help but notice all the small things he did - whether it was placing flowers by my mother's grave, getting on his knees to rub ice on my wounds, or the subtle glances he stole when I was with his brothers.
Those almost invisible efforts he made bothered me more than I wanted them to because I wanted to hold myself back. A part of me said it was dangerous to go near him, yet another part of me craved that danger.
I didn't acknowledge it, but he was always on my mind. I noticed everything about him all the time, and when he wasn't close, I pondered what he might be doing or thinking about. I knew I couldn't be on his mind as much as he was on mine, but for some unknown reason, I hoped I was.
From the very beginning, I tried so hard not to fall in love with Asher. Even now, I couldn't help but melt to his touch like a candle melting under the flames as he cradled me against his chest.
His lips gently brushed against mine and this time, it almost felt like destiny. As though I was destined to belong in his darkness. As though I was meant to recall those forgotten dreams. Asher was the faceless man of my fantasies.
My subconscious had known him, had yearned for him, long before my consciousness met him and accepted him.
I had been in the darkness for so long that even the dim lights of my room in the Aile castle felt like a torture to my eyes.
Squinting my eyes, I struggled to get a glimpse of his face, his eyes when I heard...
"Where did you take her?" Raven growled through his gritted teeth.
Asher remained silent as he gently placed me on the bed.
"Where the hell have the two of you been? I had my demon drones search for the two of you in the entire pack, even the mortal realm, but not a trace." I heard Ezra's frustrated voice. "Will you say something?" Raven demanded.
My eyes were still adjusting to the light and my mind was still processing my forgotten dreams, trying to find what they meant when-
"She'll be safer with you guys. Take care of her," Asher said.
I reached out my hand towards him as he put on a silk night-robe and took his phone from the table.
But from my thoughts to my lips to my frozen body - nothing was in sync.
"What the hell, Asher! Why is she shivering so badly! What did you do to her?" Ezra glared at Asher and then walked closer to my bed. "Did you hurt her?" Raven strode towards me, checking my body.
Asher halted his steps, holding the door open.
Please turn around, Asher.
Please look at me.
My heart pounded wildly in my chest, yearning for him to merely glance at me, but he didn't.
"I did," he said, his back facing us.
And as he walked out the door, I felt something inside me snap painfully, tears incessantly streaming down my face.