New York Billionaires Series

“I’m sorry. I neglected my duties.”

“It’s okay,” I say, taking a step back and finding his hand with mine. “You’re here now.”

His eyes soften, but he doesn’t smile. “I am.”

He kisses me for a long time after that. Lips moving over mine in insistent, familiar patterns. I lock my hands behind his neck and hold on through it all.

His eyes are glazed when he lifts his head and smooths a thumb over my lips. They feel swollen. “Let’s sit down.”

The simple words cut through my haze of lust with the sharp sting of reality. I follow him to my couches and we take the right one, the one we’ve laid entangled on so many times.

He sits down, but if he wants us to sit properly, I won’t let him. I prop myself up against the pillows and throw my legs over his.

Anthony half-smiles, his free hand settling around my bare ankle. “You’ve been good?”

I nod. “You?”

“Two days,” I murmur.

He snorts. “Two days. Ridiculous.”

“And yet,” I say.

“And yet,” he agrees. “Summer… I want to apologize for Saturday.”

It takes me a moment to find the courage to say the next words out loud. But I do. “Do you feel bad for saying things you don’t believe? Or bad because you didn’t want me to hear them?”

He keeps his eyes on me for a long time, but I don’t look away. Watch me stay, I think. Watch me not shrink from this.

“I still believe in everything I said,” he finally says. “I can’t see how it could be otherwise.”

My eyes close on their own, like I can’t stand to let him see the expression in them.

“Summer, while I don’t see how it could be otherwise, I want to. Very, very badly. I was standing in line at the dry cleaners yesterday and out of nowhere I heard your voice. I don’t even think it’s something you’ve said to me, but I heard it so clearly you might as well have been standing beside me. Why the fuck are you wasting your time on this? That’s what you asked me.” He chuckles. “That’s why I knew it wasn’t actually you, by the way. You’d never curse.”

“I do,” I whisper. “Sometimes.”

His fingers tighten around my ankle. “But you wouldn’t in that situation. And I realized you were right. I’ve wasted so much time of however long I have left being pissed off. At the universe, at my eyes, at injustice. When I should have been living. Preparing. Seizing the fucking day, as you do.”

My mouth feels dry, but I nod, watching as an animated flush creeps up on Anthony’s olive cheeks. There are dark circles under his eyes, but his gaze is fierce.

“I don’t know,” he says, “if I can be the man you deserve. If I can fight this the way you think I can. It’s very likely that I won’t be as good of a… a boyfriend to you as someone else would. Someone who won’t have my limitations. But by God, Summer, I’m going to try.”

I reach over and cup his face between my palms. “I know you can. I know you will. Anthony, I-”

He kisses me, swallowing my words, and I fall onto the sofa. Pull him over me. His lips move with quiet urgency, pressing against my mouth like he’s memorizing its shape. Like he’s saying goodbye.

I knot my fingers into his shirt, but he breaks the hold easily, lifting both of us up again. This time, I slide onto his lap. Any space between us is too much.Belonging © NôvelDram/a.Org.

“Summer,” he murmurs. “I have to straighten myself out first, though.”

His answering smile is wry. “I have to go away for a little while. Summer, what you saw on Saturday… you haven’t seen it all. How bad it can get. There have been days where I’ve…” He shakes his head. “I have to face it.”

My fingers slip into the collar of his sweater and grip tight. “I want to face it with you.”

“I know, baby.”

“And I won’t leave you because you’ll one day lose your eyesight,” I vow. “I know now, and I’m not about to run for the hills.”

“I know,” he murmurs. Runs a thumb over my cheek. “I have to fight this, Summer. You deserve someone who fights.”

“Can’t we do it together?”

“Not yet.” He looks past me toward the windows, like he’s embarrassed, the sharp cut of his jaw working. “It’s like I have this darkness inside of me, this bottomless abyss, and sometimes it swallows me whole. I’ll be having a normal conversation with someone and want to scream until my voice gives out. I can’t fucking stand listening to someone complain. About anything. You lost your keys? Great. I’m going blind. It’s self-pitying. And I can’t stop it.”

He shakes his head in a quick motion. “I don’t like myself like this. It’s not about the diagnosis, and you helped me see that. It’s still the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It still a fucking tragedy. But this darkness inside of me… that’s what’s choking me, Summer. I don’t like who I am when it’s in charge. And it’s in charge too often.”

My fingers tighten around his neck. I feel like crying, and I try not to, but he sees it. He gives me a soft smile. “You’ve helped so much, Summer.”

“I have?”

“Yes.” He rests his forehead against mine, and I hold on, thinking about the bleak look in his eyes on Saturday. The half-drunk bottle of scotch and scent of despair in the stuffy townhouse. “There’s something worth fighting for now.”

“What are you planning?”

“Everything,” he murmurs. “And nothing. One step at a time. I’m going to tell my business partners, I think. Maybe call my doctor back and tell him I’m ready to start investigating… aids.”

“Aids?”

“Canes,” he says. “Dogs. Braille.”

The words tear at him. I can see it, and yet he says them, eyes locked with mine.

“And you want to do it alone,” I whisper.

“I need to, Summer. Until I know I have control of myself. I know that I lash out when I’m…”

“Hurting,” I fill in.

“Will you keep me updated? Come back to me when you’re ready?”

“God, yes,” he says, hands tightening around my waist. “Summer, this isn’t a goodbye. It’s not me walking away.”

“It’s me saying I have to sort my life out. I can’t hide in this apartment with you forever, however much I might want to.”

“I know.”

“I’ll miss you every day,” he murmurs. Touches my lips with his, and this time, the kisses are filled with words neither of us have spoken yet.