My Hockey Alpha



The air in the gym was thick with the stench of sweat. The fluorescent lights beamed down from the ceiling, casting a whitish hue over the various machines and free weights that occupied the room. The soundtrack for that day was the usual mix of grunts and sparse conversations, the clatter of iron against iron, and whatever was currently blasting through the sound system-at that moment it was a hit rap song, but I wasn't listening.© 2024 Nôv/el/Dram/a.Org.

I was in the midst of my third set of bench presses, my fingers wrapped tightly around the barbell. The cold steel felt reassuring, grounding even, as I inhaled deeply and lifted it off the rack. My muscles strained under the weight, each rep a battle of will as much as it was of strength. I was going hard, much harder than usual.

"Damn, man, are you trying to lift the whole gym or what?" Matt's voice broke through the haze of my concentration.

I lowered the barbell back onto the rack with a grunt, sitting up to look at him. Matt was leaning against the wall, water bottle in hand, his expression a mix of admiration and concern.

"Hey, somebody's gotta do it," forcing a wry chuckle as I wiped my face with a towel.

Matt paused for a moment, concern flickering through his eyes. "You've been hitting it pretty hard lately, man. Everything okay?"

I hesitated, uncharacteristically unsure about how much to reveal. Matt had been my friend for years. He wasn't just a friend, but a confidant, a Beta, and an apprentice of sorts when it came to hockey. He knew when I was holding back. And it was more than just the weightlifting-it was like I was trying to lift a mental weight too.

*I've just got a lot on my mind," I finally admitted.

Matt scoffed. "Yeah, that much is obvious. You gonna let me in on what's been bugging you, or are we gonna keep playing the guessing game?"

I sighed, running a hand through my sweat-soaked hair. "Nina thought she might be pregnant. Turns out she wasn't."

Matt's eyebrows shot up. "Wow. Is that...is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

I took a moment to process the question, my gaze drifting to a far corner of the gym where a couple was working out together. Nina and I often worked out together, but not lately. Not since she had begun feeling sick.

"It's... a bit of both," I confessed. "On one hand, it's a relief. She just got into medical school; I'm just getting my career to where I want it to be. The timing would've been difficult. On the other hand, I can't lie-I was a bit disappointed."

Matt's eyes softened, the lines of his face easing into a more contemplative expression. "That's a whole lot to handle, Enzo. Have you talked to Nina about how you're feeling?"

"A bit," I said. "But not the part where I was actually, you know, a tiny bit excited about the idea of being a dad. It's strange, Matt. I never really thought about having a family until Nina and I got married, but now, it's like it's constantly on my mind."

Matt patted me on the shoulder, his grip firm and reassuring. "You'll get there, Enzo. Maybe not right now, but in the future."

"I know," I said, the weight in my chest easing ever so slightly. I had said the same thing to Nina several times now, but maybe I needed to hear it for myself, too. "But it doesn't make the disappointment any easier to swallow."

Matt looked at me intently, then finally asked, "If Nina had been pregnant, what do you think you guys would have done? Kept it?"

"That's where it gets even more confusing," I said, shaking my head slowly. "There was talk about possibly getting an abortion because neither of us is in a position to raise a child right now. And ultimately, it would be Nina's decision to make, because it is her body after all. But, to be honest, I didn't like that idea. Part of me thinks that even if it's not the perfect time, we would've made it work. But then again, I'm not sure,"