Holding on to you

“I don’t get it; you were so broken when Jason called it quits with you now suddenly you’re over him.”

I wish I could tell Jessy why I can’t take Jason back, but she just wouldn’t understand. No one would understand.

I held my history book tighter in my hands and continued walking to my class. There were about five minutes left before the bell ring, but I like to get there early to catch up on some reading. Before you go thinking I’m a nerd think again. I’m far from being a nerd, I just about manage to get average grades and studying is the last thing that I want to do when I get home.

My best friend Jessy, however, she’s the nerd. Her grades are far above average and study is like a drug to her. We’ve been best friend since we were six and not once have we had a fight. We’ve had disagreements but nothing that major that would warrant us falling out.

“I told you already Jessy, I just don’t feel that way about him anymore.”

I hate lying to my best friend, I’ve never done it before. Usually, we tell each other everything, but since my deal with Killian, I’ve found myself lying more and more.

“Whatever, I just don’t get it.”

We reach class and found it empty as usual. Most of the students were walking the halls with their friends or hanging up by the big tree at the back of the school. I took my assigned seat and opened my History book to the page I knew we would be read in class.

I look across at Jessy who was sitting in the front in her assigned seat and smiled. She had her head buried so deep into the book you’d think that it held the secret to all the wonders of the world. Turning back to my own book, I carried on with my work.

I was so focused that when the bell rang I jumped and fell out of my seat. I got back up quickly sat back down, it would have been beyond embarrassing if someone had come in and saw me like that. The snickering coming from my best friend across the room made me turn and glared at her.

She covered her mouth when Mr Forbs walked in and started teaching the class. We were halfway through the lesson when the door opened and in walked Killian Black, making everyone go quite. He ignored Mr Forbs when he asked him to explain his lateness, but instead he stood by the door and scanned the class.

I tried my best to disappear into my seat, but with no such luck. It felt like lasers were burning through my clothes when his eyes finally landed on me. they narrowed slightly and he glared, but it only lasted for a few seconds before he walked to the back of the class and took his seat. I don’t think anyone noticed it, and for that I was glad.

Mr Forbs cleared his throat very loudly and started talking.

“Well, now that Mr Black has decided to grace us with his presence we can finally get back to doing some work.”

A few students turned around to look at Killian, but I didn’t dare, I valued my life more. Instead, I returned to reading. I hadn’t even finished reading the paragraph I was on when Mr Forbs asked us to close our books and listen to what he has to say.

“Your assignments are due in two weeks, I know I told you that you’d be working on your own, but seeing as it’s quite a big assignment, I’ve decided to let you work in groups of twos.”

I looked up at him horrified, he can’t do that!

“I’ve assigned David to Annabelle, Clair to Suzan…”

He went on calling out names and I waited patiently from mine with my fingers crossed. I wouldn’t mind being assigned to Jessy or one of the other girls in the class, but somehow I just knew that if it’s one of the boys Killian will have a problem with that.

“… then we got Jessy with Killian and Lilly with Jason.”

I heard my best friend squeaked and watched as all the blood left her face making her look like a corpse. She looked at me like she knew she was going to die and I give her a look of pity.

It didn’t really register to me that I was paired with Jason until Mr Forbs told us to couple up and start working on the assignment for the last half of the class. Everyone got up and started to switch seats but stopped when Killian yelled,

“RED!”

I dropped back in my seat and the shaking begin. The entire class looked around to see who he was talking, but I wasn’t going to own up. After a while, everyone continued swapping seats but I never moved. I saw Jessy slowly picked up her things moving like a snail on life support. If I wasn’t scared shitless I would have laughed.

Her eyes were filled with fear and she looked to the point of tears. Her eyes were pleading with me to do something, so I grabbed my things quickly and headed to the back of the room. Pulling out the chair next to Killian I sat down. I turned and smiled at Jessy, watching as her relief replaced her shock when he saw what I was doing.

“You take Jason, I’ve got this.”

She nodded then looked at Killian, whatever she saw there made her squeaked again and ran as fast as she could over to where Jason was sitting. Jason had a confused yet angry look on his face, and I tried to give him a half-smile to reassure him that I was fine, but I wasn’t even allowed to do that.

“Don’t f**king look at him!”

His words were harsh but whispered so soft I almost didn’t hear him. I broke eye contact with Jason and turn to face Killian.

“Miss Graham, I directly assigned you to Mr Hall are you trying to undermine my authority?”

My eyes never left Killian, he held my gaze captive and I was unable to look away. I opened my mouth to answer Mr Forbs but soon thought better of it when Killian’s eyes narrowed to a dangerous level.

“Miss Graham, I’m talking to you!”

I still didn’t turn to look at him or say anything. I knew that the rest of the class were watching wondering why I was being so blatantly rude. But I’d take my chances with detention, or even being suspended. However, there’s no way I’m going anywhere near Killian’s shit list.

“She stays.”

It was Killian who spoke, this time, making the entire class gasped in surprised because he never spoke up for anyone before. Not even the time when Becky Powers was caught giving him heads under the tree at the back of the school. He walked away without any punishment whiles she got suspended for two weeks for inappropriate behaviour on school grounds.

Mr Forbs looked like he wanted to protest but the look Killian gave him made him faltered. He cleared his throat nervously and loosen his tie.

“Very well, but I’ll just let it slide this one time.”

Killian snorted and sat back in his seat, resting his hands on the table that was void of his books. I saw that his bag was sitting on the ground next to his foot which he was tapping slightly.

I started to flip my book open but was saved by the bell. My heart felt so relieved that it stopped doing backflips in my chest. Everyone started to pack up and hurry out of the class, so I decided to do the same.

“Did I say you can move?”

I halted my process and sit my ass back down. I might be scared, but I was also pissed off. Who does he think he is, he’s such a f**king bully who thinks that everyone should fall in line because he said so! My inner warrior was tempted to grab my shit and walk out like a boss, but my inner wuss who was more dominant wasn’t ready to die.

When the class was almost empty I felt the nerves setting in. My stomach felt like a hollow pit from the anxiety that was trying to eat me alive. I took my hands off the desk and wiped it on my skirt to get rid of the sweat that was coming in abundance. I swallowed the lump in my throat and steal a glance at him, his gazes were intensely set on me, making me squirm in my seat.

I think my heart followed the last person as they left the classroom, or so it felt because I can assure you that it stopped moving.

“Stand up.”

Why don’t you stand up motherf**ker!

But of course, I didn’t say that instead I got up from my seat and stood.

“Come closer.”

I walked the short distance with my hands clutched tightly at my side. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer until I was standing directly between his legs. I panicked and cast a glance at the door hoping no one came in a catches us the way we were.

I felt his hands moved from my hips to my waist. He lifted the hem of my shirt until it was in line with my bra. My breathing took on a life of its own and started sounding like a starving man craving water. Ever since that night outside the night club, my body chooses to betray me and behave like a wanton whore whenever he touches me.

I remember my first night with him like it was a few seconds away. The hot kisses and foreplay in the shower that left me begging him for more, then the way he took my body like it was meant for him and only him. I can’t deny it, my first time was perfect, it was the other nights that came that made me see that he only went easy on me that night because it was my first.

His lips touched my stomach and I gasped, my hands coming up to grab hold of his shoulders. I dug my nails in and closed my eyes when his tongue licked me then I felt the sharp pain as his teeth sunk into my flesh. I didn’t cry like I wanted, like my body was begging me to, instead I started taking deep breaths in and out like he taught me.

He let go and I felt myself relax. I opened my eyes and looked down at him to find him watching with an approved smirk on his face.

“Good, Red, you remember what I thought you?”This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

I nodded but then yelped went I felt a hot sting on my ass. This time, I was finding it harder to control my breathing.

“Say it, Red, and it will help you to focus.”

I swallowed and nodded.

“Take control of the pain, never let the pain take control of me. I’ll never feel it if I don’t let myself feel it. It’s all in my head, it doesn’t exist. Focus my mind, make it believe that there’s no pain and it will all go away.”

As I said the words I followed it and true to form it started to work. I don’t why he’s teaching me to not feel pain, but I know that whatever the reason it couldn’t be good.