Hekate’s Bride

“I’m… ah… happy for you,” I say, trying to force a smile to my face, but I fail, because I’m not.

Even Sapphire sees past it because she gives me a wary look and says, “I’ll leave you two to talk.” To Thorne she says, “I’ll be with the rest.” And she kisses the corner of his mouth while her eyes are trained on me.

It’s a very clear message that I understand all too well. *Back off.*

I look away, feeling stupid and angry for reasons that have nothing to do with jealousy. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

I’m not angry that he’s found his mate. I’m not angry that he has obviously moved on. It’s just… it isn’t me. I’m not the one. And it stings.

There is a long pause in which Thorne stares at me with vulnerable eyes and I stare back at him, heart further sinking. “It happened on the first week.”

I fold my arms and look down at my boots. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Thorne. I understand.”

“It wasn’t a matter of choice, Astrid.”

My throat closes and swallowing is painful as hell. “I know.”

“I loved you, Astrid.”

I find a little bit of the man I used to know when I glance up. A tiny bit. It isn’t just about the mate bond with Sapphire. He’s changed. His eyes are hollow and there’s despair lurking behind them; a numbing cold that even the heat of the sun cannot get rid of. Losing a loved one would do that to anyone.

I understand. I really do, but it is hard to look at him and know that I can’t reach him anymore. That whatever we had, that thing we cherished, is gone–and I don’t know why.

My tongue is dry and heavy as I say, “Loved?”

His eyes meet mine, stark and clear. “I still do–maybe I always will, but this is for the best. It never would have been me. This, this is the least painful way out of it for me.”

My heart slows and my hands fall from my side, furling and unfurling. “What–”

“Don’t. Don’t do that, Astrid. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about, because you do. Perhaps, you should come to terms with it, and yourself. Yes, you were attracted to me, and I was drawn to you, moth to a flame–because that is what you are, Astrid. A fire that burns, leaving behind the feeling of ecstasy, and in the end, there’s not much left–”

“Stop it, Thorne,” I plead, whimpering.

But he goes on like I never interrupted him, speaking the words that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. Words that are sinking in deep, all the way into my heart, my soul, fracturing something essential.

“I knew, and I still fell–because it is impossible not to–” He stops, like going on would cause him pain and his gaze is filled with pain… and hate. “I saw you leave your room that night.”

The world under my feet shakes and I plant my foot on the ground to keep from falling back. It is a trial in itself to keep my expression frozen when his words take me back to that night with Rune. And Orion.

“I followed you to make sure you were alright, but there you were, giving yourself away to another because of another.” Thorne releases a sharp sigh and looks away from me, like he cannot stand the sight of me before him. “It broke me, Astrid. Seeing you cry because of him had been hard enough, but watching what lengths you would take, to rid yourself of your feelings; hide them from the world and yourself; it broke me.”

His words clang through me, dragging me, pulling me back to a time I do not wish to think of, or remember. It is dredging up memories I have buried deep within myself.

My breaths are harsh and fast and I try to find words to say. I come up with nothing. I can’t even look at him. He’s known for three years. He’s known, and he spoke nothing of it, remaining by my side, loving me.

I don’t deserve him. I’m the worst kind of fool there is. He deserves better, and somehow, I never thought about it, never felt guilty or considered what he might have felt if he found out. I never really considered it. I’d been too busy, wrapped up in my own world; my life; Rune.

I can find no words to speak except, “I’m sorry.”

Thorne smiles and meets my gaze again. His grey eyes are “I know.”

He walks away from me and I stand there, watching him leave, and I don’t dare stop him or call his name. I have lost that right. I have lost him.

And as I return to my seat, I don’t let myself cry. I shove my thoughts and the steady ache in my heart down, until I stifle it. Until it can no longer haunt me.

It is a terrible habit of mine. Rather than fix the problems, rather than fix me, i prefer to put them out of sight. Until I forget them.

*********

The rifle goes off again, jolting me in my chair. On the field, Rune and Thorne dash forward, heading for the maze.

The second event is the ‘Alpha Challenge’. The leaders or best players of each team compete against each other in a series of obstacle courses.

They have been blindfolded and the first one to make it out of the maze wins.

My fingers tighten on Rune’s jacket as I watch the two men navigate their way around, sniffing and listening to the yells of the crowd that either says, “GO LEFT!” or “YOUR RIGHT!”

I should cheer for Thorne, but I can’t find it in me to, and I’m pretty sure Mother would disapprove if I stand from my sit and join the crowd in yelling too, no matter that Father is doing it too.

I feel a headache forming and I close my eyes that suddenly feel heavy, holding on tightly to the pretty jacket, because I feel if I don’t hold still, or hold on to something, I’ll fall apart.

I have no idea what’s going on with me anymore. No idea what’s happening in my life. No idea where I’m headed. No idea what I want. Everything is bleak and lackluster.

I look to my right, at my parents, at my mother who is giggling at something Father is saying. Could I ever hope to achieve that form of contentment? Happiness? Peace?Ccontent © exclusive by Nô/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.

Here I am, in the midst of my people, my family, and I have never felt so lost in my life. I’ve never had things figured out for me, but there have always been constants in my life. Like, being princess and inevitable inheritance and responsibilities that await me; my parents; Thorne being my Beta when I become Alpha Queen; Orion and I in the catacombs of the castle, lazing and getting drunk together; Aria and Tri being annoying as hell; and Rune.

Pulling pieces the vital pieces out of it that have made up most of my life has me thrown into the unknown.

My fingers graze a hard surface in Rune’s jacket and I pause. It feels like a book. A small book. A journal, perhaps? That seems very unlike him.

I dump the jacket on his chair before my curiousity gets the better of me, and the thump earns me a look from his father that has me shrinking in my seat as those green eyes–a lighter shade of Rune’s–pin me in place. Cold and unyielding.

Yeah. He definitely doesn’t like me.

His eyes dip to the jacket before returning to my face and his lips curl in distaste before he looks away.

*Okay, what is his problem?* Far as I can tell, we’ve never had any problems… well except that one time where I almost killed Rune with wolfsbane. *That was ages ago, though, and I’m pretty sure he knew it was me.*

Throwing caution to the wind, I grab the jacket again, just to see what his reaction will be but he doesn’t look my way again, leaning towards Queen Zephyr instead. *Good.*

I steal a glance at my parents and they seem very engrossed in the game. I begin to pull out the small book slowly. *It’s not like Rune’s going to know if I take a peek at his book.*

*Oof. Alright. If it is indeed a diary, I’ll put it back.*

Holding that thought, I take out the book. I peer at the small green thing that is an inch longer than my palm. It is encased in old leather and there is a pencil attached to the side.

The cover is blank, providing no insights to what might be inside, and my curiousity reaches new lengths again. After making sure I am not being watched, I flip the cover.

What comes to view is… black. The entire page is covered in black, rough painting. There are lines here and there and… I flip the next page and the darkness continues. It is harder to breathe with each page I flip, because the darkness starts to look familiar, resembling something I have seen before. Somewhere I have been before.

The next page gives way to the moon and the light it casts on a set of doors that Rune should know nothing about. The hair on my skin rises and I flip the next page. There are red drops on this one, long dried for Goddess knows how long.

I don’t need to sniff to know it is blood. Beside the drops of it, the black gives way to a figure and fear crawls into the crevices of my mind, leaving me cold and sweaty as I realize what Rune has drawn.

Who.

Hekate.

Something prompts me to flip the page and I do. The paintings are different on this one. This page is covered with faces and expressions of a young girl. Laughing, happy, angry, sad… it captures everything. Her eyes, her hair, her lips and the flush in her cheeks. There are dates at the top of each page. It’s always the same day, but a different year. My birthday. Solstice.

I flip the next, fingers trembling, feet cold and frozen and it is more drawings of this girl. Slightly older. Perhaps, by a year.

I know what to expect when I flip the next and the one after.

I slam the book shut on the last drawing, panting. Thankfully, the sound of screams and cheers from the crowd is loud enough to cover the sound of my harsh breathing.

I sit in my throne, looking down at the field with wide eyes and quivering lips. Why does Rune have drawings of me in his book? For every solstice since I can remember, he has drawings of me. Why does he have these?

More importantly, how can he have a drawing of me in Hekate’s home?