Gold Digger

Lottie

I set a timer.

Once I’d made it back to our old flat (the walk from the underground now felt dodgy, but I had to tell myself to woman up and get on with it – living in a posh area had made me soft) I texted Hayley to make sure she was okay at her grandparents, and locked myself in. Then I set a timer for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes felt like the right amount of time. Not quite half an hour, but longer than ten. Once the timer was set, I collapsed onto the bed, curled up into a fetal position and I cried. Not the silent way I normally cried either. No, this was wracking sobs, snot, torrential tears – maximum drama. But when the timer went off, I sat up, wiped my face, forced my hands to uncurl from the tightly held fists they were in and got ready for bed. The knocking started about an hour later, but fortunately I had earplugs (you needed earplugs to sleep in this block of flats) so I could ignore it.

By the next morning, there were no more tears. Anyway, I couldn’t afford to look a mess, not when confronting Hayley’s grandparents that evening.

“That’s an interesting jumper,” Brenda, Hayley’s grandmother, said after she opened the door to me. I tried to smile, but when she frowned down at me, I realised it wasn’t very convincing, so I gave up.

“Is Hayley ready to go?” I asked in a flat voice.

Brenda surprised me by opening the door wide and gesturing for me to come in. Usually only Hayley was allowed in their inner sanctum. I was treated as an annoying delivery person – someone whom they had to put up with in order to see Hayley.

Well, I wasn’t family, was I? So, what did I expect? I almost let out a hysterical laugh as I thought back to all the effort I’d put in with these people – the bright smiles, the cakes I’d baked, the endless attempts to justify my decisions for my sister when I was the one who knew her the best. The delivering of Hayley on Christmas Day at the exact time they specified with a tray of home-baked mince pies, only to receive a tight smile and have the door slammed in my face after they’d ushered Hayley inside. Not sure where they thought I could go on Christmas Day as I had no car, and public transport was minimal. In the end, I spent three hours freezing my arse off on a local park bench until I was allowed to pick Hayley up.

I wasn’t their flesh and blood, so I wasn’t welcome. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d even set foot in their house.

Loud footsteps thundered down the stairs, and my startled gaze turned in Hayley’s direction just in time as she collided with me like a hug-seeking missile.

“Hey, lovebug,” I said softly, getting down to her level to return the hug. When I pulled back slightly to scan her face, my smile froze. “You okay?” She looked down at the floor and shrugged, totally closed off and not bloody well speaking. When I dropped her off at the start of the weekend Hayley had been happy. What was going on?

“Hayley,” Brenda said, her voice strained. “Go and collect your things. I need to have a chat with your sister.” Tony emerged from the kitchen to stand next to his wife.

“Off you go, love,” he told Hayley.

Hayley paused for a long moment before she ran off upstairs.

“Why has she been crying?” I asked them once I was sure Hayley was out of earshot.

Brenda’s mouth set in a thin line and Tony shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “We just wanted to plant the seed that she comes to live here, with us. We thought we should explain things to Hayley before the safeguarding hearing in a couple of weeks. She… er, didn’t react well.”

“I know she was making progress, but after we talked to her, she’s…” Tony shifted uncomfortably on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, she’s not spoken at all since.”

“You’re joking?” I snapped, and they both flinched. They knew how much progress Hayley had made. She’d actually spoken to them both when I dropped her off yesterday. I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.” And I would, just like I always did – on my bloody own. “Come on, Hails,” I shouted up the stairs.

“We really didn’t mean to set her back,” put in Brenda. When I looked at her, I could see real regret in her expression. “I-I don’t think we realised how much the suggestion of separating the two of you would upset her.”

“Well, now you know.” I stared at them both with a steady, unsmiling gaze.

Hayley chose that moment to fly down the stairs with her bag in tow and into my arms. She shied away from Brenda and Tony when they tried to give her a hug. Tony cleared his throat as we were about to walk out of the front door.

“Maybe we could come along to one of Hayley’s sessions with that chap you mentioned,” he said, his voice gruff. I frowned at him. Brenda and Tony were always firmly anti the treatment I set up for Hayley. They felt that if we played up to her condition, it would perpetuate it. Neither of them acknowledged the trauma of her early childhood as a contributing factor. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My instinct was to tell them both to Fraggle Rock off, but how would that help Hayley? I might not have extended family, but she did. That was important. They were important – part of Hayley’s tapestry of support. That’s why I’d arranged for this overnight visit despite their recent push for custody. Hayley had been more comfortable with them over the last two months, and I thought it was time.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “There’s a session on Tuesday. I’ll text the details.”

“Okay,” Brenda said and shocked the crap out of me by offering me a shaky smile.

Hayley didn’t say anything on the tube home, and I didn’t try to make her. When she was stressed it was best not to force her to speak. It would come when she relaxed enough. All I did was keep my arm around her, kiss the top of her head and tell her that nothing would keep us apart. Her tense body did eventually relax, and by the time we arrived at our stop, she was fast asleep. She was so dead to the world that I decided to carry her home. Not ideal given our neighbourhood and the amount she’d grown over the last few months. Just as I paused to readjust her in my arms at the top of the tube steps, a large figure came into my peripheral vision and I started in shock.

“Hey, hey,” Ollie said, his hands up, palms forward. “Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to scare you.” The people-pleaser in me was desperate to ease the tension between us, but I was done being that girl. That girl just got walked all over and her heart broken. So I just pretended he wasn’t there.

I started walking, and he fell into step beside me. “Lottie, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”

“I know you are,” I said, pleased with myself at my ability to keep my voice steady. But I’d promised myself that I’d done all the crying I was going to do last night. I’d given myself those twenty minutes, and I wasn’t dedicating any more emotional energy to it.

“Okay,” Ollie said slowly. “Well, that’s great. So you and Hayley can come home?” It was then I noticed a black car idling next to us at our walking pace.

“Ollie, I know you’re sorry,” I told him, readjusting the dead weight that was Hayley in my arms as my muscles burned under the strain.

“Let me take her,” Ollie said softly, and I shook my head in sudden jerks.

“No,” I snapped. “I can look after her.”

“I know you can, Lottie, but let me help.”

“Just leave us alone.”

“You don’t have to do everything and manage everything on your own all the bloody time,” Ollie said, his voice rising with the growing impatience that was pouring off him in waves.

I let out a humourless laugh so bleak it sounded painful even to my own ears.

“I’ve been managing everything on my own for my whole life. It’s not a choice I made, Ollie. I didn’t wake up one day and think: hey, you know what? I’d love to just have to knuckle down and make a life for myself and my sister completely and utterly without help. This is the hand I’ve been dealt, not a choice I’ve made.”

The burning in my arms was so intense now that one of them almost gave out. Hayley slipped down, and before I knew it, Ollie had taken her. Hayley blinked at him sleepily as he adjusted her in his arms. They smiled at each other briefly before she buried her face in his neck and fell asleep again. And throughout all that he didn’t even break his stride. Bloody Ollie, looking amazing in his three-quarter length cashmere coat, wrangling eight-year-olds with ease, making my heart ache with how much I wanted him. Luckily, it was only another fifty yards until we reached my block of flats, so I just wrapped my arms around myself, kept my gaze on the pavement in front of me and power-walked there.

“I can take her now,” I said when we reached the entrance. My arms were still feeling weak but I was sure I could power through. Ollie was staring at the entrance way with undisguised annoyance.

“Lottie,” he said, his voice had softened now. “I know you’re angry with me but could you please, please be angry with me at my house where I know it’s safe.”

“Give me my sister.”

He sighed but just turned and started up the stairs, taking them two at a time with Hayley still in his arms. That annoyed me as well. By the time we got to my flat, I was wheezing whilst he didn’t even break a sweat. I attempted to take Hayley from him again but he just raised an eyebrow and waited for me to unlock the door. Once we were in, he took Hayley to her room, laid her down on the bed, tucked her in and left us. I smoothed her hair back and kissed her forehead.

“Sleep tight, lovebug,” I whispered against her soft skin.

When I stepped back into the living room, Ollie was standing in front of the sofa, his restless energy vibrating throughout the small space.

“Ollie, I’m too tired for any of?—”

“Let me look at your arms.”

My eyebrows went up. “My arms? What are you?—?”

“Please, baby,” he pleaded in a tortured voice. “Please just let me look at your arms.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed my sleeves up. Ollie scanned me and zeroed in on where I knew the fingertip bruises were on my left arm. With incredible tenderness, as if I was made of glass, Ollie held my hand to lift it away from my body so he could see the darkening, livid, angry bruising that I knew stretched the circumference of my arm. There was a low rumbling sound, which I realised was an actual growl building from Ollie’s chest. The energy in the room changed. It was now electric – fury, concern and a surprising edge of hopelessness that I’d never felt from Ollie before. He swallowed and let my arm lower back to my side but kept hold of my hand.

“Lottie,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Baby, I can’t…” he shook his head and closed his eyes. “I know sorry isn’t enough. I know that. I know I’ve let you down. You don’t have to forgive me now, but please, please, will you consider moving back in? I can’t bear—” he broke off, and his jaw clenched tight. When he spoke again, his words were softer. “I can’t bear the thought of you and Hayley living here.”

I rolled my eyes. “We’ve been here for over a year, Ollie. And newsflash: we were living here during the months when you were an arsehole to me the first time. You didn’t care about it then.” I snatched my hand from his and took a step back. Unfortunately, that was the furthest I could get in the small space without tripping over the sofa. His eyes flashed, but he stayed where he was, holding his hands palm up in surrender.

“God, Lottie, don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’ve thought about that? About what an absolute prick I was.” He took a step towards me, but I ducked under his arm to walk away.

He watched me from across the room with a wary expression, his hand going up to squeeze the back of his neck. Frustration rolling off him in waves.

“I am not staying at your house,” I said, my voice as steady as I could manage. “I need my space, and I need to readjust with Hayley. This is not me trying to punish you or any other nonsense. I know you feel guilty, but actually, if you look at this dispassionately, you’ve done a lot for me and Hayley. So you should just let go of any guilt and move on.”

“Move on?” his voice was rising now as his eyes flashed. “I’m in love with you, Lottie. How do you expect me to just move on from that? I’m not here out of guilt, and I don’t give a fuck about how much you think I’ve done for you. I had resources, you didn’t, end of story.” He threw his hands up in the air, letting out a short laugh. “What I did for you and Hayley? It’s a drop in the ocean compared to what I’m worth. You would have done the same for me twice over if our financial positions were reversed. You know you would have. Because, Lottie…” he took a couple of steps towards me; I backed up against the kitchen counter but that didn’t stop his advance, “… you’re in love with me too.” He kept coming until he was right in front of me. I blinked up at him, transfixed by the burning emotion in his blue eyes.

“He hurt you,” he said in a rough voice and to my complete shock the blue of his eyes went glassy with unshed tears as he tilted my head back to look at my red chin. “He hurt you just like he hurt Claire, and I wasn’t there. I didn’t believe you.”

I couldn’t cope with the intensity of his gaze, so I looked away from him when I asked quietly, “Is Claire okay?”

“She…” He sighed. “She will be.” I nodded as I felt his hand go up to the side of my face. I let myself absorb its warmth for a moment as I closed my eyes – just a second of weakness. Then I jerked back. He stared at me before lowering his hand and shoving both into the pockets of his coat. His voice was hoarse when he spoke again. “Please come home. I love you. I?—”

“Stop saying that,” I snapped. I’d had enough. “It’s meaningless now. You only love me if it serves your purposes – if I’m helping your family, if I keep my unpopular opinions to myself. Your love is conditional. I’ve had limits and conditions put on love my whole life and I’ve had enough of it. I’d rather be alone. And right now I want you to leave.” I pulled the ring off my finger and pressed it into Ollie’s hand.