Forbidden Desire

On the day I lost the woman I love, I didn’t receive any sign or prelude of what was to come. The day wasn’t overcast, a black cat didn’t cross my path, and I didn’t walk under any ladder. I had no preparation for what was to come, no sign that I would lose everything precious to me in just a few minutes. Maybe if it had rained, I would have opened the blinds to see the rain, so the room wouldn’t have been so dark, and I could have seen that the woman with Jane’s perfume wasn’t actually her. If a black cat had crossed my path, perhaps I would have changed my route and wouldn’t have returned to that room. Since Jane walked out the door of my house, I imagined several scenarios that could have avoided everything that happened. But in the end, I know that the only change that could have avoided all of this was mine, and I was determined to make it happen at any cost.

So when the woman I love left, saying horrible things, I almost believed for a fraction of a second, I almost believed that it could be true that the child might not be mine, and that she could really be cheating on me with Venom. But when I entered the house, feeling all the strength draining from my body, I saw Jinhee at the top of the stairs with a triumphant smile on her face, and I knew she had been the cause of all that. She who poisoned me daily against Jane, she who, realizing that I no longer wanted her, used the perfume of the woman I love to try to separate us. It was all her fault, and when I realized everything she had done, I felt my blood boil, I could hardly see anything in front of me, and before I knew it, I was climbing the stairs behind her, stepping firmly and with blood in my eyes.

“Jason, what are you going to do?”

She widened her eyes, and I could see the fear in them, but I simply couldn’t stop.

“Jason, I didn’t mean any harm, I swear!”

I chuckled sarcastically as I heard her trembling voice move away because she started running towards the room.

“Jason, don’t do anything you might regret. I’m the mother of your child!”

Fear made her choke on her words, and not even that could stop me now.

“Jason, don’t do anything foolish, please!”

She pleaded, and when I finally managed to make some sound, my voice came out determined.

“Foolish? No. I’m just going to do what I should have done a long time ago! I’m going to kick you out of my house!”

When she saw herself cornered, she tried to lock herself in my room, but I prevented it by forcing the door open, which made her scream and start crying as she tried to escape from me, who just wanted to get her out of here at any cost.

“Stop it, Jason, you’re scaring me!”

She jumped on the bed trying to get away from me, and when I did the same, she ran out the door, and I stayed there for a few seconds thinking about what to do, and I took a deep breath trying to control my anger until I heard a loud noise and a shrill scream echoing through the house. I ran down the hallway, and when I looked at the stairs, my heart almost stopped beating for a few seconds. Jinhee was lying on the floor unconscious with her sandal heel broken. She had fallen down the stairs, and even though I had given up chasing her for a few moments, I had scared her enough for her to run down the stairs. All I felt at that moment was guilt, and the thought that if something happened to our child, I would never forgive myself was the only thing on my mind. I ran down the stairs and when I picked her up in my arms trying to wake her up, seeing that she wasn’t reacting, I panicked. I saw Dona Amelia approaching while analyzing horrified all that situation.

“What have you done? Did you push her?”This text is property of Nô/velD/rama.Org.

Her voice trembled as she seemed completely shocked, and despite the immense desire to cry, I had to defend myself.

“What? No! I didn’t do anything! When I got here, she was already like this! If you don’t believe me, you can check the security cameras!”

The older woman stared at me seeming to doubt for a few seconds, but soon seemed to believe me.

“She needs a doctor.”

“Call Dr. Kim and tell him I’m on my way!”

She nodded, and I left with Jinhee unconscious in my arms. I put her in the car and left, speeding. I had never driven so fast in my life; the red lights passed me by, but I couldn’t stop at any of them. With each second she remained unconscious, my desperation only increased, and I felt angry at myself. No matter how hard I tried to do everything right, things only seemed to get worse, and now, in addition to losing the woman I love, I may also have caused Jinhee to lose my child. Tears started rolling down my face incessantly, and I started a silent prayer, praying for everything to be okay. For nothing bad to happen to Jinhee and the baby, and especially for this whole day to be just a nightmare from which I would wake up at any moment.

When we arrived at the hospital, Dr. Kim was already waiting for us with a team; they put Jinhee lying on a stretcher and started running with her through the hospital corridors. Before I could even enter the room they were taking her to, the elder signaled to the nurses not to let me in, I tried to fight, but they held me, and I had to see the door close, leaving me totally lost. I didn’t know what they were doing, I didn’t know if Jinhee would wake up, and most importantly, I didn’t know if this fall had affected my child.

I could only stand there, staring at that white door, watching as some nurses went in and out without telling me anything about her condition. Desperation consumed me with each passing hour, and all I could do was pace back and forth in front of that door without leaving it for a second.

Finally, when Dr. Kim and his team emerged from that room, I could see in his face how sad he was. He didn’t even look at me for a minute, and his face was red. I didn’t want to believe it, but seeing the older man’s face, I felt as if my heart had broken into a million pieces.

“No! My child?”

He shook his head, unable to look at me, and I fell to my knees on the floor, feeling the tears consume me. The older man stared at me, and when I lifted my gaze, his eyes were filled with guilt, but I didn’t understand why. Once again, he couldn’t look at me, and that made me even more lost. When I finally managed to speak, my voice trembled.

“And Jinhee?”

“She almost died with the child and will need all your support during the recovery period, which will be very difficult for her. Losing a child is already very difficult, but in addition, we detected bleeding in the uterine wall, and everything indicates that she will no longer be able to have children.”

For a moment, my whole world seemed to stop. Was all of this my fault? Did I do this to her? I felt like the worst person in the world, and for a moment, I just wanted to disappear.

“I recommend that she start seeing a therapist to help her deal with the loss. The grieving period can be very difficult, and perhaps even you can benefit from this treatment.”

He said all this in a mechanical way, staring at the ground as if he were just reciting memorized words from some script.

“She’s sedated now, but when she wakes up, she will need you more than ever.”

I nodded, crying even more. He said I could go into the room, and when I did, I felt even more guilty. She seemed so fragile and small lying there in that white room that I wanted to apologize, no matter what she had done; I had to have thought of my child. I had to have listened when she begged me to stop, and I closed my eyes, haunted by her desperate voice saying that I was scaring her. I sat there beside her, crying until my tears dried, feeling like the worst person in the world and thinking about how everything could change in just one day.

When the day broke, I hadn’t slept even for a second, and when she woke up completely lost, asking for our child, I broke down again. I had to look her in the eyes and tell her that besides losing our child, she could no longer be a mother. She cried in a way I never thought she could cry, and only when I hugged her did she seem to calm down. The next day, she was discharged from the hospital, and the doctor was right; her recovery was difficult, and she needed me a lot, especially emotionally. With everything that had happened, I ended up convincing myself that it would be better for Jane if I didn’t approach her because then our child would be safe.

More than a month passed, and although I wanted to go after Jane all the time, I always ended up giving up, thinking that she was much better off without me. Guilt consumed me, and whenever I could, Jinhee reminded me that all that had happened was my fault. I couldn’t eat or sleep properly, and that made me lose a few pounds. When night came, I drowned my sorrows in whisky while looking at some paintings Jane left behind and wondering how I could have destroyed the only good thing that had ever happened in my life. In another night of self-pity while staring at the painting Jane made to tell me that I would be a father, I heard a voice fill the empty studio, and I was startled.

“You should try to get some sleep. You haven’t been eating, you don’t sleep, you’re thin, and you have dark circles under your eyes.”

“How can I sleep knowing all the harm I’ve done?”

I stared at the older woman, and I could see that her eyes emanated only one feeling, pity.

“You can’t blame yourself for the rest of your life. You can’t undo what’s done, but you can change and not repeat the same mistakes.”

I knew she was right, but I was so lost that my only reaction was to take another sip of my whisky.

“What can I do, Dona Amelia? I lost the woman I love and my child, all in one day. Jane hates me, and rightfully so. I’m afraid to try to approach her against her will and end up harming her pregnancy like I did with Jinhee.”

The older woman seemed to get annoyed, and for the first time, I saw her raise her voice to me.

“Don’t say nonsense! Jane has loved you since the first day she entered this house, and I’m sure that even if she wanted to, she could never hate you. You won’t know if she wants you to get closer or not if you don’t even try. Jane lost her parents at a very young age, and I’m sure she doesn’t want her child to grow up without his father around.”

I stared at her in surprise, and for a split second, a spark of hope rose in me before I remembered an important detail and felt that hope vanish.

“But she has Venom. She doesn’t need me!”

“Jihoon is not the father of her child, and he certainly isn’t the man she loves.”

She said firmly, but then seemed to regret it, as if she had said too much.

“How do you know?”

“I see it in her eyes every time I’m with her, and even without meaning to, she always asks about you. Even though she immediately argues with herself and says she doesn’t want to know, I know she still loves you!”

She paused as if she were thinking whether to continue or not and just shrugged.

“You know I’ve never been in favor of this relationship, but now that you’re going to have a child, and I see how much you love each other, I think you should try to repair everything. I know you’re only separated because of Jinhee’s schemes, not because of lack of love. Therefore, I think you shouldn’t give up so easily.”

The older woman concluded, crossing her arms and seeming determined to encourage me, and it was working because for the first time since that horrible day, I allowed myself to feel something I didn’t think existed in me anymore: hope.

“But, I don’t even know where to start. She doesn’t want anything to do with me!”

She stared at me, as if assessing my reactions, seeming to think about something until she seemed to come to a conclusion.

“She has an appointment with Dr. Hoojin tomorrow afternoon to find out the baby’s gender. I’m sure she would love to see you there, even if she doesn’t admit it.”

She thought about something and seemed to decide whether to speak or not.

“And before you continue blaming yourself for everything that happened to Jinhee, maybe you should take a look at the security cameras.”

As soon as she finished speaking, the older woman left me there, leaving me in a battle with my own thoughts.