Forbidden Desire

I surprised him by jumping on his back and clinging to him like a little monkey, and he smiled, carrying me out of the room. We had breakfast so hurriedly that I barely had time to enjoy the delights of Thai cuisine. Soon, we were at a small port near the hotel where a two-story speedboat awaited us. We were greeted by the couple responsible for it, and both were extremely friendly, a trait that seemed common among the Thai people.

We lay on the cushions at the bow of the boat and could observe nature. The trip was quick, and the wind blew through my hair, making the experience even better. We visited several beaches on the Phi Phi Islands, and I was impressed by the tourmaline hue that tinted the waters of the vast ocean. Jason rented snorkeling equipment, and we were able to swim with the fish, as well as see the beautiful corals that filled the bay. We disembarked at some beaches and could play, run in the sand, meet people from the region, and even see various trees adorned with ribbons in honor of the lives they helped save when the island was devastated by a tsunami a few years earlier.

After some time, we returned to the boat, and the Captain’s wife was cooking our lunch. We all had lunch together and took the opportunity to learn more about what it was like to live in a paradise like that. Everything was very pleasant, and before I knew it, the sun was almost setting. We started drinking, and I was already a little too happy. Jason, who was hugging me from behind as we admired the view, whispered in my ear so that only I could hear.

“I think you should take a break from drinking.”

He moved my glass away, and I snuggled into him, speaking in a cutesy tone.Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org exclusive © material.

“Oh, let me finish just this one, it’s so delicious.”

He reluctantly agreed, and soon I was savoring that fruity drink, which was incredibly refreshing. After some time, I started feeling sick, and I realized that Jason was upset because, after all, he had warned me. Near the end of the trip, I wasn’t enjoying anything anymore because the nausea had taken over, and I was struggling not to throw up. The simple rocking of the boat was already bothering me, and I thanked God when we stepped on solid ground, even though I felt everything spinning.

It was already past 7 p. m. when we returned to the hotel, and if I had taken a few more seconds to open the door, I would have been embarrassed because as soon as I entered, I ran to the toilet, feeling nausea engulf me, and ended up throwing up everything in my stomach. Before I could push Jason out of the bathroom, he was already holding my hair, and I could tell how upset he was with me. I didn’t understand what was happening; after all, I had only had five drinks.

“Damn it, Jane, I told you to stop drinking.”

He did everything to make me as comfortable as possible, and when it finally seemed like I had thrown up everything, I took a long bath and was able to lie down. I ended up falling asleep quickly, and when I woke up, I realized that he was also asleep. I snuggled up to him and fell asleep again, only waking up the next day. He was already dressed, and when he called me, I realized that he was already packing.

“Jane, the private jet leaves in two hours, you need to get dressed so we can go back home.”

His tone of voice was normal, but he wasn’t looking at me. He seemed to be trying to focus on the suitcases, the clothes still on the bed, the phone, anywhere but me.

“Are you mad at me?”

I said with a whiny tone, and he took a deep breath before responding.

“What do you think?”

“Oh, come on, sorry. I know I ruined our trip, but it’s because I’m not used to drinking.”

“Then you shouldn’t have drunk.”

“Oh, come on, sorry, love.”

He raised a hand for me to stop talking, and I stared at him.

“Okay, Jane, we have to go, or we’ll be late, and we’ll talk at home.”

I hated that phrase. “We’ll talk at home” was the epitome of all the fears of anyone with anxiety. I still tried to talk, but again, I was silenced by his gestures. I got up, did my hygiene routine, got dressed, and started packing my suitcase. I started wrapping the paintings I had painted, and when I thought I was done, Jason pointed behind a chair in the room, and when I went there, I was surprised to see two paintings that I didn’t remember painting.

“Huh, what’s this?”

“You don’t remember?”

I shook my head negatively as I stared in awe at the beautiful paintings in front of me, unable to believe that I had painted them.

“No!”

“Also, that night you were so drunk, we had sex until we fell asleep, and when I woke up, you were painting.”

He stood behind me, analyzing them, and I just observed every detail. The first painting was of the floating lanterns, but instead of just painting the lanterns, I painted several couples sending requests to the sky. Each lantern was represented by a color, and although I didn’t remember exactly painting that picture, I remembered perfectly what each color represented. The green lanterns meant that those people were wishing for money and material possessions, the blue lanterns represented the desire for peace, and there was a main couple larger than the others, and their lantern was red, showing the desire they had to love each other forever. I smiled and looked at Jason, who seemed fixated on the second painting, and from his face, I could tell he wasn’t happy. When I finally focused on the second painting, I realized the reason for his discontent.

“What does this mean, Jane?”

I stared at the second painting completely static. Despite not being a proper face, I had drawn an ugly and completely dark planet. The atmosphere was full of craters, and the textures used showed how much I wanted that place to seem desolate. But over this planet was a sun in shades of orange, but instead of drawing the sun’s rays, I drew strands of orange hair that seemed to be able to ward off all the darkness in that painting. I stared at the painting in awe and knew whose orange hair those belonged to, but I didn’t know how to explain that to Jason, who stared at me seeking answers.

“I don’t remember…”

I said simply, and he stared at me for a few seconds before looking away.

“Finish packing the paintings so we can go.”

He seemed upset, and it broke my heart. We were silent for most of the trip, and I watched the landscape trying to remember why I had painted that picture. Sure, from time to time I thought about that man with the orange hair and a smile so beautiful that it was able to calm me down on my worst day, but I didn’t imagine that even my subconscious was so focused on him to the point of wanting to paint him. We had coffee on the jet, and because the plane was shaking so much, my nausea returned. When we finally arrived in Korea, Jin was already waiting for us, and despite his initial smile, he seemed to realize that the mood was heavy, and we continued the journey home in silence. Jason was cold with me, and everything seemed to worsen when we entered the house, and I had to run to the bathroom to avoid vomiting on the living room floor. When I finally felt better, I took a long bath, and when I came out of the bathroom, Jason and my aunt were waiting for me with a worried look.

“My daughter, is everything okay?”

“I’m fine, Aunt, it’s just a passing nausea.”

She looked at Jason, and he shrugged.

“I told her not to overdo it with the drinks, but she’s stubborn.”

She turned her gaze to me and placed her hand on my forehead.

“Well, you’re not running a fever, but this could be food poisoning. Thai food is quite heavy.”

“Maybe we should call Dr. Kim.”

“No need, folks, I just need to lie down for a bit.”

They looked at each other and shrugged.

“Okay, go lie down then, and later I’ll make you some chicken soup.”

My mouth watered at the thought of chicken soup, and I gave a smile that made them both smile.

“Mmm, chicken soup, I want!”

“Ah, then she’s feeling better already.”

Jason nodded, and he helped me up. I lay down on the bed and pressed the button that closed all the curtains, leaving the room in complete darkness.

“Rest, if you need me, I’ll be downstairs in my office.”

“Okay!”

I heard his footsteps recede, and I fell asleep, only waking up hours later when I smelled the chicken soup that my aunt was bringing on a steaming tray as she entered the room, turning on the lights.

“Shall we put some food in this belly?”

I smiled and sat up in bed, taking the tray, and soon tasted the soup, savoring it. My aunt seemed to be enjoying the scene, and it was good to see that she hadn’t changed with me now that she knew Jason and I were together. She looked around, admiring the room for the first time.

“This room is much prettier than his old room.”

I nodded as my mouth was too busy devouring the soup.

“Has Jason had lunch?”

“He has, but he seems a little upset. Did something happen?”

“He just got upset because I drank too much and ended up ruining the rest of our trip.”

“Huh, but these things happen; it could have been something you ate.”

“Yeah, but he’s right, you know, I exceeded my limits.”

“That’s normal, after all, you’re just a girl, not used to drinking, and you got sick. If he doesn’t want it to be like this, he should have stayed with…”

She stopped the sentence as if realizing what she would say. I lowered my head and knew perfectly well where she was going. Jinhee would never do something like that; she was already used to drinking, and next to her, I was just a girl. She fell silent, and as soon as I finished the soup, she left the room. I spent most of the afternoon lying down, and when I saw that it was almost time for college, I started getting dressed. I separated the paintings I had painted because I would have to take them to college today; today was the last day to deliver the portfolio that would be exhibited in the Museum’s gallery, and despite being a little nauseous, I couldn’t miss it. When I was already dressed, I knocked lightly on Jason’s office door.

“Come in!”

When I opened the door, I saw that he was surrounded by papers and seemed very busy. He finished typing something on the computer, and when he looked at me, he seemed surprised.

“Hi, love, I just came to let you know that I’m going to college.”

“I thought you weren’t going today.”

“I can’t skip because I have to deliver the paintings for my museum portfolio.”

He stared at me for a few minutes and took a deep breath before getting up.

“Then let’s go; I’ll take you.”

“No need, Jin is already waiting for me.”

“I insist.”

His tone of voice was a little dry, different from the gentle way he always spoke to me, so I decided not to argue. We left for my college in a silence that was already bothering me. I stared at the road ahead, and I realized that he didn’t take his eyes off it.

“Are you still very mad at me?”

He seemed to think for a moment and shrugged.

“How many times do I have to apologize?”

“You already apologized.”

“And it didn’t change anything.”

“That just made me worried.”

“About what?”

“On Saturday, there’s a very important social event with a possible new partner for my company.”

He took a deep breath as I stared at him.

“I want to take you to this event as my wife, but I need to portray an image of responsibility, and I won’t be able to do that if you end up drinking too much or saying something wrong.”

He finally parked in front of the college, and I was digesting everything he said, remembering what my aunt had said earlier.

“Do you want to compare a leisure trip to a social event? Do you think I’ll embarrass you?”

“That’s not what I said…”

“That’s easy to solve, Jason, I won’t go!”

“Come on, Jane, let’s talk!”

“About what? About me not being the perfect person you expect me to be?”

“I don’t want you to be perfect; I just…”

“Just wanted me to be her, right…”

He looked at me confused, and I didn’t look away for a moment.

“What?”

“I’m not perfect, Jason, and I never will be.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m saying that I’ll never be like Jinhee, I’ll never fit into her clothes, say the right things like her, or drink without getting drunk because I’m not a porcelain doll. I’m just me.”

“Jane, you’re confusing things; I don’t want you to be like her.”

“No, Jason, worse than that, you wanted it to be her at this event with you. She would wear the perfect dress and say the right things.”

“Honestly, I can’t talk to you like this.”

“Then don’t talk.”

I got out of the car, and he was startled by my attitude; even I didn’t understand why I was so irritated. Am I on my period? I try to remember the date and realize that my period should have come already. I walked towards the entrance, and he got out of the car.

“Jane? Come back here so we can talk!”

I turned around to face him and said.

“No! Now it’s my turn to speak; we’ll talk at home.”

I turned my back on him, leaving him speechless, and walked firmly towards my class.