Ex-Husband's Regret



Emma

I was back in therapy with Mia. I still can't believe that I went to Calvin's office and apologized. If I am being honest, when it comes to Calvin, I've never done anything so bold before.

*Emma?"

I stop staring at the wall and focus on Mia. My head was still in a mess, but slowly I felt like I was starting to piece things together.

"Yes?"

*You were telling me that you apologized to Calvin," she pushes her glasses up her nose.

The humidifier made soft noises as it pushed the calming scent of lavender into the surrounding air. I felt relaxed. I felt like I was floating. Maybe it was time for me to invest in aromatherapy because, so far, I liked how it made me feel.

"Yes, I did," I answer after pulling myself from the hazy stupor. "You made me realize that I was wrong in how I treated Calvin and even though I had acknowledged my wrongs, I've never apologized to him."

"And how did you feel after apologizing to him?"

"A bit lighter."

I thumb my fingers through my hair, before placing them on my lap. I stare at my nails. They were short and plain. Not my usual well done. I don't even remember the last time I went to get my nails done. That's how far I've let myself go.

"I know it's a big step you took, and I am proud of you," she pauses, and I know there is a 'but' coming. "But, you have to realize that apologizing may not be enough. You have to accept that Calvin may never forgive you and that's his prerogative. You can't fault him for that."

I sigh. She didn't have to explain it to me. I already understand. It's similar to Ava. She had the right to forgive or leave Rowan. She chose to forgive him, but even if she hadn't, it would still have been her right. Her choice. Everyone would have had to accept it whether they liked it or not.

"I know that, Mia," say once again, staring at my hands. "I accepted that he may never forgive me."

*And what will you do if Calvin and Gunner decide not to forgive you? What will you do if they decide against having you back in their life?"

I knew there was that possibility, but for the longest time I didn't want to consider it. I didn't want to let my mind wander into that territory because it scared the crap out of me. Content belong to NôvelDráma. Org.

I want to be in my son's life. I want to be a mother to him. I want to be there for him. It scares me that I might just have lost that chance forever.

Her question keeps ringing in my head as I try to think of an answer. As I try to dig deep and come up with a genuine reply.

"I don't know," I finally say. A sarcastic laugh leaves my lips as something clicks in my head. "You know it's really hypocritical of me to say that right now. If you had asked me this question two years ago, I would have just shrugged and told you it didn't matter. That in the grander scheme of things, it wouldn't have mattered to me. Now though, things are different."

A sharp pain cuts through my heart as the words leave my mouth.

"How are things different now?"Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

*I care. I've allowed myself to care for him. To love him. I'd continue fighting tooth and nail for a chance to be in his life. I'd push and push, even though deep down I know I should let him have a life away from me given the way

I treated him."

It's sad really. I was ready to walk away from Gunner and forget he existed. I mean hell, I did walk away. I gave him up. Even when I pictured Rowan and I getting a second chance, I never once pictured Gunner in my life. I didn't plan on being in his life even then.

Hiding my face in my hands, I try to fight back the tears. I was a horrible mother. But am I really a mother? Just because I gave birth to him doesn't make me a mother. In his eyes, I'm probably a monster.