regret
Alex’s point of view
Switching it off, I poured the coffee into mugs. This might be the 100th coffee. The day, the week, everything was so long and tiring. I carried the tray with so many things in my mind.
“What was my mistake?” Mira asked, breaking my thoughts. She is still on the phone.
“I said, don’t answer to anyone. No one is important now. Keep the phone away” I screamed at her and saw that she was scared by my loud voice. Why do I have to say this again and again?
“Are you going to keep that phone away or not?” I yelled at her again as she switched it off instantly. Damn, I am too tired now to take care of anything.
“If you want to cry, you can leave the place, Mira. I am not going to babysit you.” I screamed again not minding about her state or anything. Do I look like a pushover for them? Can they even see how much worked out I am?
“I am here trying to make you better and all you are doing is searching for reasons to again cry,” I added as I kept the mug. She was looking down to avoid my stares.
“Don’t attend any calls. I won’t repeat this now. Do you get it?” I asked as I forwarded the mug to her. She nodded instantly and grabbed the mug.
I gave her a cup of coffee and helped her to sleep on my couch. I wish Dad is here beside me now.
“Can you just rest here?” I asked her after consoling her which was the hardest part of the day. She slept over the couch for a long time. Now I have to go and check my home.
As I entered the hall, I could sense that it was almost evening and there was utter silence everywhere. No one was there.
As I entered the left side room where I heard some sound, I froze to the spot.
My mind went blank. My eyes enlarged and I couldn’t close them for a few seconds. My mom was lying on the floor breathless. The same view. I just can’t forget the first time when she was like this. She was pregnant with our baby sister. That night, our uncle told us that it was our baby sister. So we were very happy and we even finalized the name. All night, my dad and I were dancing and having so much fun and we were discussing many things such as how we will spoil our baby sister. I still remember how mom went crazy hearing dad’s crazy ideas to spoil her daughter. But that happiness was short-lived.
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. My mom was lying down breathless the next morning when we found her.
I still remember how my dad was scared that time as he lifted her and ran to the hospital bare feet.
Everything was gone, our happiness, our baby sister, our mom’s smile. She was bedridden for three months and didn’t even talk to me those days.
Shit shit. I am hyperventilating. It has been so long but still, I panic the same as when I was a little kid. I inhaled inhaled and inhaled but why the hell I couldn’t exhale?
Shit shit shit. Stop it Alex. We need to take her to the hospital. Breathe.
No, I felt the room floating in the air. Guess sleepless nights and foodless days are paying off.
‘It was a miracle that your wife is alive. She has a very weak heart’ the doctor’s words kept ringing in my ears. I tried to ignore them so that I could take my mom to the hospital. It’s nothing. She would be fine once admitted.
Dad is not here. He is gone somewhere. So I need to be strong and act fast. I closed my eyes and opened them again to control my damn fear.
I leaned and checked mom, calling her name.
“Jenny, don’t scare me. Darling, get up” I shook her little and her hand fell sideways lifelessly. No. That can’t happen. I didn’t care to wipe away my tears.
I widened my eyes when I saw her mobile screen. The chat group was displaying. Did she see Clara’s message?
My nerves blocked any practical explanations as my eyes closed in frustrated anger which is dangerous for anyone who comes now in front of me. Unfortunately, when I opened my eyes, there stood Clara with her eyes full of tears. For the first time, her tears made no effect on me as I looked at her with so much regret. Regret even seeing her. Regret even falling for her.
She gasped as if reading my mind. I don’t care. I don’t care about her anymore. All I care about is my mom and nothing else. I lifted her ignoring Clara completely.
****
Time passed by and each second feels like a year passed. I gulp the lumps in my throat. Doctors came and examined enough but didn’t tell anything pleasant. I was holding my mom’s mobile which is ringing continuously. I know why it is ringing. I don’t want to answer their ridiculous questions. I opened the chat messenger and again saw the message posted there by the only person whom I can expect least for such an act.
Mira’s diary is been posted which has our picture together with a large heart beside it. There was no caption on it. But the group consists of all my relatives where Clara is also one of the members. Everyone saw the picture and now calling mom to confirm the news.
Why did she have to go overboard? Didn’t she know that by doing this, she is degrading me? Is it all the respect she has for me? Is at all the love she has for me? But right now not even a single question is important to me except for the fact that my mom lying inside the ICU and the reason is the person whom I have cherished the most.
“It’s a mild stroke. But she has a very weak heart. It’s as if she is not fighting against it” the doctor’s words made every cell of my body go numb. Back then, it was just a simple problem. Something related to nerves I think. I was too small to even remember that name. But now, why does it have to be a stroke?
My hand started shaking as I paid the bill. Dad must be on his way. I just told him that mom is not well. I don’t know what I will answer him if he comes here. I wiped the tears away and they started burning. Maybe I have been continuously wiping it away for hours.
“Alex” there she is, maybe standing here for a long. But I didn’t acknowledge her presence. No, I don’t want to look at her. I don’t want to talk to her.
“Get out” I spoke almost like a whisper and don’t know if she heard that or not.NôvelDrama.Org owns this.
“Alex, please. I am sorry. I” that’s it, she said sorry, accepting the mistakes. Is it just sorry? Will this bring my mom back? How can she say those just like that?
“I am sorry. I am sorry. Now can you please get out of here?” I yelled at her through my gritted teeth. She jumped back in fear. My loud voice always scares people out of the shit and I didn’t expect Clara to witness that side of me ever.
“Please” she mumbled as she came to touch me. I flinched at once as I dodged her hand away. I am scared that if this continues, I might hurt her physically. And I don’t want to do that even in my dreams.
“I wish, I didn’t meet you in the first place.” She froze with my words. And this is much needed for her to leave the place right now. I am worst at controlling my anger and I know that I would do something so stupid. There is no one with us so it can become severe.
“Get out” I utter those again hoping that she would leave soon. I was fisting my hand till it turned purple due to a lack of flow of blood. She took a few steps back with a shocked expression.
“Get out before I do something that I may regret” I spoke stressing each and every word to hurt my vocal till it started burning. She gets too scared to even look at me but I can see her tears. Is it affecting me now? Hell no.
She took a deep breath and looked at me after a few seconds of silence.
“Get out?” She asked me to confirm the words
“From hospital? Home? Or your life?” She asked almost in a whisper. Why is it so hard for her? I turned away in frustration and hits the wall with so much force. She closed her eyes in reflex.
“Your wish” I replied and walked towards the medical area to inquire about the injection which was not in the stock since morning. I have many things to take care of than coax her or make her feel secure. I don’t even want to look at her state.