60
I opened the door and walked into a room filled with toys. On the walls hanged drawings of children’s and on the white curtains hanged blue paper butterflies decorated with glitter. The floor was covered in a colourful rubber flooring giving off a cheerful sight.
“Mr and Mrs. Anderson I’ve been waiting for you”
Ms. Berkeley, the therapist was sitting on the floor surrounded by small children. She stood up and walked towards us.
She looked over my shoulder and saw Lucas in Marcus’s arms. “Here’s the cute baby Lucas. Are you excited to see me?”
Lucas turned away and hid his face in Marcus’s neck.
“Aww he’s shy. Don’t worry they all were” She said gesturing to the small children on the floor.
“Ms. Berkeley as I told you earlier Lucas is a bit scared-”
“Oh don’t worry. You can leave him here. He will love to hangout with the kids.”
I blinked and blinked. What did she say? Leave Lucas? I glanced at Marcus and he was looking at me in confusion.
“Umm…what do you mean by leaving him?”
Ms. Berkeley fixed her glasses and looked at us in shock. “Mrs. Anderson you can’t stay here. You have to go now and then can come back to pick him up in few hours”
“But-you didn’t tell me about leaving him. I thought we could stay too”
“If you stay here Lucas will only interact with you. That’s not going to work. You can come back to take him before your brother’s event”
“But he will be sad-”
“Mrs. Anderson don’t you want your son to get better? Give it chance. Most of the kids here were just like him. But now look at them. They are laughing, playing, talking. Don’t you want Lucas to be like them?”
I looked at Marcus but he was looking away. I knew he was angry with me. This wasn’t part of the plan.
My gaze fell on to the children and saw how cheerful and happy they looked. If only my baby can be like them.
“Mrs. Anderson-”
“F-fine” I said, my voice shaky. “But we’ll be coming back in three hours”
Ms. Berkeley let out a sigh and nodded. “You made a wise decision. Keep Lucas over there please” She pointed at the circle of children.
I took Lucas from Marcus’s arms and walked over to the circle. I crouched down and sat Lucas on the floor.
“Lucas you can make many friends here. Look! They also like animals” I said pointing at some children who were playing with animal toys. “Be a good boy. Mommy will come to pick you up in few hours”
I took my arms away from him to stand up but he suddenly held onto my sleeve.
“Mommy” He looked at me with sad eyes.
“Mmh baby?”
“Don’t…go” His lips trembled, eyes filling with tears. My heart sank, burning in agony. At the moment all I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and take him into my embrace, telling him everything would be alright.
But I couldn’t. I wanted him to better. I wanted his future to be better.
“Baby mommy will come back quickly. We’ll take you to the zoo after visiting uncle Jake”
I turned my head and glanced at Marcus who stood by the door, an unreadable emotion crossed over his eyes.
I kissed Lucas on the head and stood up, blinking back my tears.
“Mom…my” Lucas’s voice broke.
I closed my eyes and turned around, unable to bear the pain. Marcus looked at me, his eyes blood shot red. Without a word he opened the door and strode out. I followed him after and got into the car.
Today was Blair’s birthday and Jake wanted to surprise her. Blair’s father who suffered from cancer died last year so Jake wanted to open a new cancer ward in the hospital on behalf of him. It will be held in 3 hours and before that I would come and take Lucas back.
After I got into the car we drove for a while in utter silence. Marcus didn’t speak but his body language spoke it all.
Suddenly he pulled the car off the road and parked it on the side.
“Dammit” I flinched as he slammed his fist on the steering wheel.
“How can you leave him there? You know that he has never, not even a minute stayed without us. Don’t you know that he’s sad? Do you even feel his pain at all?”
I stared at him, grief engulfing me. I saw a flash of regret pass across his eyes and he quickly leaned back, shocked at his own words.
I pursed my lips and looked away, not wanting to fight with him because I knew he was sensitive when it came to Lucas.
And my heart was already broken for leaving my son. I didn’t have any strength left in me to speak another word.
“Camilla please let’s find another way. I can’t leave him there” He begged, giving a gentle squeeze to my hand.
I nodded my head and instantly Marcus turned the car around and drove at a high speed. We reached the nursery quickly and without waiting for me Marcus jumped out and ran up the stairs.
I hurried up the stairs and opened the door after him. Lucas was sitting on the floor, sobbing, his face red and tears falling down his eyes. He didn’t cry aloud but I could feel his sadness.
He raised his head and his eyes widened seeing us. Marcus ran to him and took him to his arms. Lucas buried his face in Marcus’s neck and Marcus patted his back, calming him down.
“Mr. Anderson you can’t take him. You are acting like a very irresponsible parent-”
Without listening to Ms. Berkeley Marcus walked past me and rushed down the steps. He kept Lucas on the baby car seat before getting into the driver’s seat.
“Mrs. Anderson”
Ignoring her I walked back to the car and got inside. I craned my neck to talk to Lucas but he furrowed his eye brows, refusing to talk.
“Baby I’m so sorry-”
But he looked down, biting his lips. He did this when he was mad and right now he was mad at me. I glanced at Marcus but he was avoiding my gaze.
I did this.
I hurt them.
Suddenly I felt suffocated, for me there’s nothing more hurtful than the two people you love the most refusing to look you in the eye. I made them feel sad. I made them despise me. I failed as a mother and as a wife.
My ribs heaved up and down but I was unable to breathe, the agony inside was ripping me from within. Tears pricked my eyes, threating to escape. Every bone, every muscle started aching as if I was beated to death. I felt throttled, tormented, strangled.
I gripped the door handle, unable to inhale the air around me. “Mar.. cus stop… the car”
He slowed down and looked at me. But I couldn’t show him my pain, I couldn’t be more of a burden than I already was.
I can’t hurt them anymore.
“Stop the…car. I-I want to go and…um help Jake to prepare things” I lied.
Marcus parked the car on the side and I quickly got out. Without looking at them I hailed a taxi and got in.
As I closed the door I broke down, tears streaming down my eyes, heart whining in agony, giving up the fight.
The taxi driver kept glancing at me through the rear view mirror to check if I was alright. But I wasn’t. I barely gave him the directions before choking on my own sobs.
Why do I keep hurting everyone I loved?
Maybe I don’t deserve their love.
…
I stood under a tree in the hospital garden, staring at the vehicles passing by. The soft breeze, finer than silk, smoother than water blew past me, gently brushing against my skin.
Even though I came here to help I spent the hours crying on my mother’s lap, wondering how strong she was to bear all the pain we had given her throughout her life.Còntens bel0ngs to Nô(v)elDr/a/ma.Org
I heaved a long sigh and closed my eyes, angling my face to the sunlight shimmering on my tender skin. I relaxed myself, my limbs falling loose, listening to the chirping of the birds, rustling of the leaves.
Suddenly I felt a small hand entwine with mine. I looked down to see Lucas clinging onto my arm with a sad smile on his lips.
“Baby-”
I raised my head as I heard footsteps and saw Marcus striding towards me. But before I could do anything he pulled me into his arms. He kept one hand on my head, leaning me on to his chest, his other hand wrapped around my waist holding me protectively.
I felt him land a kiss on my earlobe and gently stroke my hair. He stayed like that for a while without speaking a word.
“Marcus why are you silent?” I asked slowly.
He didn’t respond but after a while he whispered in my ear. “I always hurt you and then apologise. But I don’t deserve your forgiveness so I don’t know what to say” He pressed me more closer and buried his head in my neck.
I smiled and wrapped my arms around his torso. He leaned back and looked at me. “You cried didn’t you?”
“Just a little bit” I giggled and Marcus’s face fell. “Camilla it’s not funny. I made you cry”
“It’s not you. It’s just I wished I didn’t make you both sad. I wanted to be a better mom and a wife”
Marcus looked at me in disbelief. “You are a great mom and a wife.” He cupped my face in his hands. “And you didn’t make us sad. You tried to make Lucas happy and a dumbass called Marcus destroyed it. It’s not your fault at all. It’s me who has anger issues and zero patience. Camilla I promise you I’ll find a better way for Lucas. Just don’t blame yourself for anything. And scold me whenever I crossed the line. I deserve it”
I laughed and slapped his chest gently. “Fine dumbass. You better not come home if you don’t buy me ice cream”
Marcus and I broke into a laughter. “That’s not scolding. Practice a bit more” He smiled and looked at me, his eyes boring into mine. “Camilla I’m sorry for everything I have done. To you and to Lucas. I know I fucked up so badly and I don’t even know where to start to make things right. But I promise I will try. I will keep on trying”
I nodded my head and smiled, tears sparkling in my eyes. I leaned in and pressed my lips on his, moulding ourselves to one. He kissed me back passionately, our lips moving in perfect symphony. I gently parted as Lucas tugged on my sleeve.
I looked down and saw him staring at something. A dog.
I crouched down and pulled him into my arms. “Baby that’s a dog”
“Doggie?”
“Mmh” I nodded my head and pressed a kiss on his soft cheek. “I’m sorry Lucas. Mommy won’t ever do something that would hurt you. Mommy will always love you and protect you. Are you still angry with me?”
Lucas shook his head.
“Then?”
“Mm…” He bit his lips, his cheeks turning red. “Baby.. umm… loves mommy” He shyly said and hid his face in my blouse. I chuckled and picked him up into my arms.
Marcus smiled and ran his fingers through Lucas’s hair, combing it to the back. He kissed Lucas on the forehead and Lucas blushed again, liking the little affection we showed him.
“Aww my sweet baby” I gently tapped his nose. “Uncle Jake is waiting. Let’s go” He nodded his head and Marcus kept his hand on my back, guiding me inside the hospital.
We walked into the new ward and saw many people already gathered in a large room. We went inside a saw a large cake on the table, a projector was placed beside it and the walls were decorated with balloons.
The opening would take place in a few minutes but Jake and Blair was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Jake?” I asked my cousin Jason. He pointed at the door and I saw Blair walking in, her eyes covered with a blindfold. Jake had his hands on her shoulders guiding her inside.
“Jake where are you taking me?” She chuckled, her hands flying in the air, trying to touch something.
“Wait”
As she came to the table Jake pulled off her blindfold. “Ta-da”
She looked around, surprised.
“Happy Birthday Blair. I didn’t know what to give you at first but…umm I thought of opening a new cancer ward on behalf of your late father” Blair gasped and turned around to face Jake. “Hope you like it” He said while blushing furiously.
“Are you serious?” She asked, tears filling her eyes.
Jake nodded and suddenly she jumped onto his arms, crying on his shoulder. “Thank you Jake. Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me”
Jake wiped her tears and kissed her forehead. “I love you Blair. Anything for you”
I felt Marcus’s hand wrap around my waist, pulling me closer. He looked at me, his eyes glinting with adoration. I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder, holding Lucas closely in my arms.
“Let’s cut the cake”
Everyone cheered and clapped their hands.
“Blair I wish your parents are here but since there are not with us anymore-” Jake turned on the projector “I want you to know that they are proud of who you are. They are always watching you, loving you and caring for you. You are their angel. Therefore I want you to celebrate your birthday with them”
A picture came into life on the screen. A small girl standing in the middle of her mother and her father.
Blair started crying and I felt Marcus’s grip around me tighten.
I looked at him in confusion but his eyes were only focused on the screen, on Blair’s mother.
“Marcus what?” I asked worried.
“That’s Barbara”