Brothers of Paradise Series

Someone lights up the grill, and Henry recounts the story to his wife and Ivy. Faye protests at not being there and Henry lobbies the ball to me.

“It was all Parker’s idea.”

I pretend to grimace. “Sorry, Faye. But if we invited you there would have been bloodshed.”

Her mouth drops open. “Excuse me?”

“You would have taken a swing at him,” I say, grinning. “We couldn’t have that.”

Henry laughs and wraps an arm around his wife. “You are pretty fierce when you’re angry,” he says.

She pretends to grumble, but she’s smiling, too.

At one point Hayden puts a hand on my shoulder, and his words catch me off guard. “You’ll be a great father one day. You know that, right? I’ve always known it, but today… I can’t wait to see it.”

“Thanks,” I say. It’s unexpected and nice and I catch Jamie’s eyes across the room. She’d heard, but she looks down at her lap. I can’t wait to have her in my arms later.

Later that night, when the grill has died and the kids are half-dozing on the couch, I overhear Lily talking to Jamie. “I’m so glad it worked out,” she says. “You know, Parker has a huge house. You two could move in there. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind.”

I pretend not to hear and turn in the opposite direction, but I can’t help grinning.

No, I definitely wouldn’t mind.

JAMIE

Money.

That’s what it all came down to. I struggle processing that for the first couple of days. That the only value Lee saw in our beautiful, happy, amazing little girl was the leverage she gave him over me.

But now she’ll never hear him tell her that she’s worthless. Never suffer his neglect and cold stares any longer. And she’ll never have to hear him say those things to me, either. The relief is so big it’s hard to feel anything else.

Emma starts school. My mother and I are both there on the first day of Paradise Elementary, watching as she disappears with her little purple backpack and braided hair. I cry as soon as she’s out of sight.

Mom lowers her camera, having documented everything about Emma’s morning until the very last step, and hugs me.

“I know, sweetie,” she says. “It’s the greatest and saddest thing you’ll ever do, raising your kids only so they can leave you.”

We have a heart-to-heart right there in the parking lot. “I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for not coming back sooner. God, Mom, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when Grandpa died, and that I didn’t come for his funeral. I can’t believe I let myself… that I didn’t leave Lee sooner.”

“Hush,” Mom says, and she’s crying now too. “It’s okay. You’re home now. We’ll always be family. You and me and Emma.”

You and me and Emma.

It’s what Lily had said. You and Parker and Emma.

The week passes in a blur, with Emma’s school and my work and the newfound relief of the custody papers. But in the back of my mind is the niggling sensation that another shoe is about to drop.

I turn words over in my head. Lee’s. Parker’s. Lily’s and Hayden’s. You’ll be a great father, Hayden had told Parker and afterwards he’d looked at me, happiness and hope in his eyes. Like I’m the one he wants to have children with.

And then Lily had said I should move in with him.All text © NôvelD(r)a'ma.Org.

Is he expecting that? Are they all?

The fears turn over in my mind until it becomes a twisted knot I can’t unravel.

On Thursday morning, after I’ve dropped Emma off at school, I join him in his garage. He’s ordered some exercise bands for me and they’re rolled neatly in a corner, along with my workout shoes. I’d left them here last time.

You and Emma should move in with him…

“Good morning,” he murmurs, and kisses me hello. It’s as soft and delicious as always, and my body relaxes. It’s just my mind that can’t.

He waits until halfway through the workout before he asks me. “So?” he says, lying on his back beneath the weight bar. “What’s wrong?”

I bend at the waist to grab a kettlebell. “Nothing.”

He does a few reps, voice calm. “Something’s wrong. I’ve noticed it all week. Has he been in contact?”

“No. No, not at all.”

Parker sets down the bar and sits up on the bench, running a hand over his forehead. “That’s good.”

I set down my weight, and slowly, unwilling to say the words, I look over at him.

“You can say it,” he says, as understanding as he always is. I don’t deserve him.

“Remember how you’ve been afraid I’ll get spooked?” I ask. “Well, I think I’m spooked.”

He gives a slow nod. “Ah. Right.”

The words pour out of me. “I didn’t realize how much I cared about you until last week. I mean, I knew I did, but I didn’t realize just how much I need you. And it scared me.”

He runs a hand over his jaw. “I can see why it would, yeah.”

“Then I realized all the things we haven’t spoken about, you and I, and it kinda overwhelmed me.” I walk across the gym, to my water bottle, and take a deep swig. My fears have a solid grip around my throat.

“What things?” he asks. “You know we can talk about anything.”

“Yes, well, maybe not everything. You know? We’ve just started dating, you and I. And I just got single custody of Emma… and I mean, I’m still living with my mom. I don’t have everything figured out yet.”

“I have space here,” he says, calmly, and it twists in my chest.

“Yes, but we can’t move in here. I’d be moving from Lee’s to my Mom’s to yours.”

His eyes widen. “Right.”

“Not that I don’t want that-ever. That’s not it. But I can’t do it yet.” I close my eyes, fear rising up. He’s going to leave. He won’t want to wait for me to sort myself out. I won’t be able to live up to his expectations.

“I have to be my own person, after Lee, I have to figure out who I am. I have to do what’s best for Emma.”