The Soldier Next Door

Four times…

Four times it took me to stop myself from sending Ana a message.

I cannot stop thinking about what she must be going through. My damn heart bleeds so much for her.

But what makes me bleed even more is knowing that he is there; he is holding her the way that I am supposed to be holding her.

Why did things turn into such a fucking mess?

Maybe just once.

Maybe if I just speak to her once, then I will feel better.

Maybe just once.

So for the fifth time, as little as in four hours, I pull my cellphone from my pocket. I look over the camp that is still, and without causing much of a notice, I walk to the very tree where I feel I can just be myself and let my heart go.

As I sit down, I play all the reasons in my head why I should not be doing this. What if James is with her? What if she does not want to speak to me?

I just want to know if she is okay.

So I swipe up and find her number. In no time at all, I get an answer, but it is not Ana.

“Ethan, what can we do for you?”

“James, can I please talk to Ana?”

“She does not want to talk to you.”

“Please don’t piss me off. Can I talk to Ana?”

“I am afraid not.”

With that, the fucking asshole drops the call, leaving me even more pissed off with myself than before. Whatever made me decide that I should phone?

Not caring much further about how messed up my feelings are, I make my way to the ops tent, where I find Lopez and Gibbs already waiting for me.

And of course, Gibbs noticed me with phone in hand walking down there earlier and feels the very need to raise his opinion, “Ethan, don’t do it to yourself. You know that there is nothing that you could have done about it, and I hate to be the one to tell you that she has made her choice. Don’t fucking hurt yourself anymore.”

“Gibbs, it is so much easier said than done. I only wanted to, and god knows why, but I just wanted to make sure that she is okay. I don’t know; I just thought I should let her know that there is a part that still cares.”

Then, Lopez, that has been planning today’s mission, comes stepping from behind the table and comes to place his hand gently on my shoulder, “Man, I am sorry to say, but did she care when she kept this all from you.”

“No, but…”

“No buts. Did she care when she kissed that other man?”

“God, why do you have to keep yourself so clever in the morning? I am going to the mess hall to get coffee. Do any of you clever asses want?”

“Please,” Gibbs says, “If you don’t mind,” Lopez adds.

With that, I leave the ops tent to go seek the emptiness of the mess hall. It is an hour before breakfast will be served, and most of the boys will be asleep.

It is the perfect corner to hide away from all the voices of reason and find another excuse to phone her once again.

So as I sit by a very farside table with coffee in one hand and my phone in the other, I once again swipe up, and this time…

“Hey, Ethan. I am sorry about James, he just…”

“No, it is fine. I understand. I would have done the same thing, but I would have been far less polite.”

I hear her softly chuckle through the phone, and just for one brief moment, it warms my heart.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Promising myself that this will be the first and last time that I will phone her like this, I push my irritation aside and continue to listen to how she is softly laughing at herself. It makes me wonder if she is truly happy and happy, I mean, being with James? So, I cannot help but, for some really odd reason, smile, and, with only but few seconds, I am all furious all over again.

But, I do not say a word, and I listen to her speak once again, “Now, I guess you have phoned me for a reason?”

“Well, I, in fact, I just wanted to know if you are okay? I mean, how are you doing?”

“To be honest, after our last call, you made me realize that I have been so wrong, and I have been wrong to think that I will get over it.”

“Ana, I doubt that you will ever get over the loss of a child.”

“That I know Ethan, I am talking about us. Well, what used to be us.”

“That is not why I phoned. I phone about the baby.”Text © by N0ve/lDrama.Org.

I hear her go silent for a fraction of what seems like almost three minutes. I know that I am giving her the completely wrong impression here. I cannot let her think that we are okay. There is no us. We are never going to be okay. I want her to be okay. I want her not to fall apart again. She just lost a piece of her, and I need her to be okay with that.

“Ana, I should not have phoned. But, I really, and I am not saying this to want to make you feel better, bet I really hope that you are okay and that you are going to be okay. You can, at any time, if you feel losing the baby is getting too much for you, you can always send me a message, and I will be there. But…”

“I know Ethan, I know. We are done, and even though I don’t think that I will get over that, I will move on.”

And the very moment she says those words, she knows that she has just made one fatal mistake. Before I can even stop the words from leaving my mouth, it escapes my lips.

“Yes, that you have done. Moved on. I guess you maybe got to learn to move on before you ever gave me the chance to even consider it. In fact, moving on is not something that I feel I can ever do. And as for forget, will that never, though pushing it out of sight and mind, that I certainly can do. Relationships are never meant to last. As they say, everything has to come to an end. Now, I am sorry I bothered you and, JAMES, but I mean it. I hope you are coping with your loss. I have to go now.”

With that, I toss my phone over the length of the table, but before it hits the floor, somewhere is there to catch it. As I look up, with eyes that are turmoiling in more tears than they really should, I look into the soft chocolate brown eyes of Emma.

“Sorry about that, just has some James trouble.”

She only but bursts out laughing as she takes a seat next to me.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I think every time I talk about or even think of it, I end up doing something stupid like I did now.”

“Sorry, but I heard the end, and let me tell you, I admire you for having the strength to still take her feelings to heart after everything that you guys have been through.”

“Well, I guess I just had to get that off my chest. Hopefully, I will not be making anymore impulse phone calls anymore.”

Emma looks at me as she places her hand softly onto my trembling hand that feels far colder than it truly should. Her smile is warm as her eyes meet mine,

“Let’s make a deal. Every time that you feel that you want to phone Ana, then phone me instead. I promise I don’t have a James hiding in my tent unless if we can find one in camp.”

I nearly topple over as she winks at me while the sweet words leave her mouth.

“Well, let me tell you this. If I find a James in your tent, then the man is going to wish he never was there.”

“Now, Lieutenant, are you perhaps a little bit jealous there?”

“No, I just don’t like sharing what is mine.”

“Mine, since when did I become yours?”

“Hahaha, don’t get so excited; I am saying that you are mine to protect.”

She looks at me and cocks her head, “Are you sure about that, Lieutenant?”

Now I do not even know myself what the hell I just said. All I know is that this girl makes me warm whenever she smiles. The minute those brown eyes look into mine, it is as if the universe topples over into a mess. My perfect mess.

Somehow, somewhere, I don’t know. But she will be the one that will save this Broken Soldier.