The Soldier Next Door

As I stand in the quiet corners of my tent, I dread to make this call to Ana. Yes, what was our love lay completely in tatters, and in a way, I know that I can make peace with that. The only thing that gives me comfort in all this pain is the little one that is growing in her belly.

It kills me not to be there during this time when every experience is new. When there is a miracle growing, and I cannot be part of that journey every day. What kills me even more is having to think that I might not ever get the chance to be there. Yes, I know that she will never do such a thing to me, but my heart still worries, and it worries even now more than ever, knowing that there is something that she needs to tell me.

I can, in all honesty, only guess that it has to do with the baby, for what else can she possibly do herself to destroy me. So even though I am so furious at her still, I gather all the strength I have left and dial her number once more.

It takes me a very deep breath, and with a rather big lump in my throat, I finally speak as she answers.

“Hi, Ana.”

“Hi, Ethan. ”

“Listen, I am not here to fight, but I need you to tell me whatever it is that you have been trying to say.”

“Ethan, I think you need to sit down for this.”

“My god, Ana, what have you done?”

“Please, just listen until I have finished, and then you can say whatever you feel that you need to say. I don’t think that, well apart from this, that there is any more damage that can be done between us.”

“Ana, just tell me what is going on.”

As she hesitates for several moments, I start to pace the length of my tent, waiting for her to speak. And as she finally does, I force myself to sit down.

“Ethan, I…I…”

“You what, Ana?”

“The baby, there…the baby is…”

“The baby is what? Please just tell me.”

“I lost the baby two weeks ago.”

I feel as the world starts to spin out of control. I don’t think I heard her right. I don’t think I heard what she said. Did she? No, she did not. It can’t be. She did not. No. No. No.

Fuck.

“What did you say?”

“Ethan, I had a miscarriage two weeks ago.”

And then I lose all control. All reason, all logic, everything that tells me to remain calm goes out the door. There is a snap, there is a rip, my heart is tearing open, and my head is about to explode. A thousand daggers is being driven through my heart as she says it again.

“Sorry, Ethan, but I lost the baby.”

“Sorry? Sorry, Ana? Sorry that you are only telling me this now? How could you keep this from me? How could you lie to me every time I asked how the baby was doing? You lied to me. You fucking lied to me. Every. Single. Time. You. Lied. To. Me. Do you not think that I deserved to know?”

“Soldier, I did not want your head…”

“Fuck my head, and stop fucking calling me soldier. What is wrong with you? What happened to the Ana that I fell in love with? I do not know who you are anymore. What? Why? I don’t understand you!”

“Ethan, I, I did not think…”

“Exactly, that is your problem. You do not think! God, I am so fucking sorry that this happened to you! But you did not trust me enough to share it with me! We were supposed to do this together. Why? Why did you feel you had to do this alone? I don’t care if my head would be in the game or not. It is my child! You had no right not to tell me.”

And just as the very last words leave my mouth, I can hear her voice start to tremble on the other side. I know she is hurting, and god, I wish I could be there to hold her right now. She did not have to go through this alone. I would have been there for her. She knows that! Why does she keep on believing that she needs to do everything herself! Why! Why the fuck is she so stubborn.

“Ana, I am so sorry. Are you okay?”

“I am fine; the sad fact is that maybe in my heart, I always knew that there was a chance that it will happen to me again. Yes, I should not have thought that way. But, I have come to learn that life is just not fair, and you don’t always get dealt with what you want. But, I am okay. I am really sorry, Ethan. I should have told you sooner, but I just did not have the heart to hurt you. God knows I have hurt you enough.”

“I guess that it is really true that we were always just doomed to fate. I, I, I really don’t know what else to say. This is not how I wanted this to turn out. Maybe, I don’t know; maybe there is a true purpose in life that is far greater than us.”

And that is me, the tears that have been threatening to burst through the barriers of my eyes coming flooding like the ocean. My sobs are loud, and they are hysterical, and I swear every single man in this camp can hear them. But. I. Do. Not. Care.

And with that, not that I truly wish to, but the anger comes back again, and it all starts to make sense.

“Ana, instead of coming to look for comfort by me, you went to James. Why? Or maybe I should not even ask, and please do not give me the bullshit of things just happened. Why? Am I such a less of a man that you feel that you cannot turn to me and trust me? Why do you go seek comfort somewhere else where you know you will get it from me?”

“Ethan, I, perhaps, and please don’t get mad, but I think that I always knew that the Marines meant more to you, and I was always going to come second.”

“Bullshit! And you know it! We both agreed that I could follow my dreams and you were going to do it with me. And you did until you could not anymore. So did your dreams change?”

“I don’t know what changed. Perhaps, I changed. I am sorry.”Content is property of NôvelDrama.Org.

“You know what, Ana. I hate that you have to go through whatever you feel you need to. But I can’t do this, yes, perhaps I thought that there was still hope. But I think that hope just died ten minutes ago when you have once again broken my heart. I love you, and god knows I will for a very long time still, but I think this is where our paths go separately. I am sorry. I hope you find in James what you are looking for.”

“Ethan, wait!”

“No, I have waited for almost a year for you to come around and decide what you truly want, yet you keep on breaking my heart. I am not man enough for you; I guess that day when you slipped your hand underneath those covers and felt that I was half a man, you truly did decide that I was half a man and I was only ever going to be half as good enough for you.”

“Ethan, that is not fair; you know that is not true.”

“Then tell me, why is it James that I hear standing next to you?”

She goes dead quiet, and I know, this, this is it. So without even saying another word, I end the call, and with that, I end what I thought was the best times of my life.

Until now.

I lost my child, and I did not even know.

I feel numb; I don’t even know if the reality has truly set in completely. All I know is that my world has just ended, and right now, I do not give a fuck about being a Marine. I am a man. A father that lost his child. Nothing else matters.

So I fall back onto my bed and close my eyes, and as with so many times before, I see him running circles through my mind as he is chasing a butterfly in the wind. I can clearly hear his laughter echo through my ears as he comes so close to catching it every time.

And for a brief moment his soft little brown eyes meet mine. And my heart dies.

My little boy,

We never did get to meet properly, did we?

You slipped away from me, quickly and quietly, without making an impression on the world. No one even knew you were there, except your Mommy and me. But you should know that you were loved. I like to think that you know that already.

Some would say that you were barely there long enough to make any great impression on me. But the thing is, even in such a short space of time, I made a space for you in my heart.

Even before you were conceived. As soon as we knew, subconsciously, I started clearing some room. I discovered that it wasn’t hard to make a spot for you. My heart effortlessly stretched to make room. It seemed that, almost overnight, I had this special space in my heart, just for you.

But now that space is empty.

No matter what happens or how much time passes, I will not fill that void that you leave.

I will leave that space in my heart exactly where it is. It is your space, and I am going to leave it just for you. I will carry you there always, in that space, in my heart.

I am going to love you forever.